There was a butterfly playing happily amongst the weeds-a dump which was once a petrol station where I would catch my bus on the way to school years ago,on my way to the bus the other day I noticed this, this then lead me to believe ing life really is beautiful and it is the small things that matter, they make me smile. You see this is what I need to do,I also need to “simplify my life”-words from my psychologist.
Life is a journey, everybody knows this, I think however it is not until little moments in life that make us step back away form the world makes us realise this. It is not the fact that we are ungrateful, it is just sometimes we perhaps do not see the other side to life, well sometimes. Okay sorry, here I am getting all sentimental. I feel as though I am getting all motherly despite the fact I am not a mother, or a mother to be, I am nothing of the sort, though my dog is still (and always will be!) my baby not, my world, my happiness.
It has become so that I need to see Jimmy’s face day and night in order to smile, I need to see my baby bit is okay and he knows I am here for him as I know he is for me and my parents.
Ah yes, life at home. Right so where do I start to share about this part of my life. Okay so I am grateful, I genuinely am to have parents and to be safe at home, I think it is the fact that I do not do well always when I am living with others, I am with the condition OCD, I was once living alone and that worked well, I actually was coping better. The whole Melbourne life, my world away from home, this is something I cannot believe was over a year ago, since then I have not returned to visit, I cringe at the thought and the sound of trams in the background of youtube videos that feature some amazing buskers in Melbourne makes me not smile like it used to, this has made me realise that Melbourne is not for me, well not at this time, where is, well I cannot answer that…still!
There have been things that I have deeply thought about, one thing is my health,pushing aside the fact I am now a bit overweight, I mean my mental health, this had promoted not just a nurse, or my parents, but also my previous job search lady plus my doctor to push for me to have time away from work related projects and receive intensive therapy, yes, I will be seeing my new psychologist Tom in October which I am totally dreading! This will be the new man in my life, he will need to focus just on my severe OCD, oh gosh.
Tears have not been flowing like they used to, I thought maybe it is because I am so mentally drained or stressed, I am unsure why I have not cried since so much since my dear baby girl (cat) passed away back in May, but yesterday I cried I had that hysterical crying, you know the embarrassing kind where you cannot take a breath and you think how do I stop this? I was crying in a office.
Beauty therapy, just these two words excite me, I think I have chosen a new career path for me, I need to study, I have to push myself back into the world so I can enter the workforce trained in something for the first time ever, the event management did not get me anywhere and retail,well that is always going to be around which I enjoy but I think I should try this path, who knows right?
Going back to previous paragraphs about being maternal, well I have dreamt a lot about being pregnant lately, last night I dreamt it again, these dreams are I believe a sign of new beginnings, well I can only hope so.
Just like everyone, I am searching and trying to keep my head up, my dear friend Peter always tells me these words and I will forget keep them glued to my heart.
Talking about hearts, well my heart, aside from the occasional pain that is caused by anxiety it is broken, yes again. All I need to say is online dating, mean language and arrogance, the end.
On the flip side, I received a text yesterday from a number I had not stored in my phone, it was my ex, yes ex fiancé! The message was a kind hello and seeing if I still had this number and how I was, I freaked out thinking who would call me by my full name, the number was familiar but my memory is not always that great, I then received a text reply after I apologised not knowing who it was that just basically said that it did not matter who it was as long as I was okay, by this second time I was in panic, after my ex fiancé told me it was him and all was better. You see we have not seen each other for months, the last time we did he came over when I was alone before he started work one early morning, it was brief and literally we did not speak after that, things happen. I know we are soul mates, we just do not love each other anymore, but it is of great comfort to know after all this time he wanted to check up on me.
The days are now warmer, yes like I have mentioned, it is finally Spring, this means blossoms, sunshine and eventually the sun will be out longer, okay so this is the downside, I like Winter nights as I like it to get dark early, but anyway, such a minut thing I should not whinge about!
So it is now Sunday, yes I did it again, spread this post out over two days, I tend to do this,hence the length of my posts. I am writing this in bed, nervous to face the day, I get like this, I am unsure why, I know my medication is not helping me mentally. Strangely I feel like ice cream which is something I am not entirely a fan of.
Thank you for listening,
Miss Popette x