Memory

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Upon my search of beautiful things I found this, I have never visited this blog before but noticed this on a search of “Inspiration” category. Aside from the gorgeous mix of colours and elegant Asian-styled theme (which I adore!), I found this to be inspiring, so thank you blogger! <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Silver Lining Of Your Cloud:

You don't have to hold onto the pain, to hold onto the memory.

You don’t have to hold onto the pain, to hold onto the memory.

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Miss Cold Sore Lips

09/10/2014

Miss I am am sitting well laying in my bed balancing my iPad on my belly (yes you did hear right and no,no baby in my tummy just bloated!).I have a new man in my life,yes my psychologist(yes I know he sad),and I am counting everyday his many beautiful butterflies fly by…just another page of my life…here goes…

My mother rushed to take my grandmother to the hospital a few hours ago and I ended up eating all of my fathers chocolate and then wanted to lay in bed like a bloated piggy with a cheap stretch nightie- oh no! My fears are bubbling up to the surface, mainly the germ thing, yes, my mother went near my grandmother, the vomit, the hospital, I oh it all terrifies me, not even my pill (antidepressant) is easing me, which reminds me, next weekend I am to see my doctor, yes this is a few days after I see my new psychologist (I will have two!).

So pushing aside the fact my tummy is full of chocolate, bread and diet coke and the fact I can balance things, what else has been happening? Well lots really, possibly nothing exciting, no, no engagement ring, no new flowers in my garden and no job, but I am grateful for the fresh air, the smile my dog seems to make me do, the texts from my mother and father trying to build up my confidence, the ex that walks back into my life if only to “check up” on me and the fact that is is now Spring. I do not need the shiny diamond ring, the big mansion or a designer handbag, all I need is life, reality and most days, time to myself.

Today is a big day, well not for me but emotionally I thought it would have been worse, it is my ex’s thirtieth birthday, yes the guy that left me for London, remember back in January? Well for some reason I got the days mixed up, I did know it was the fourth of October, I just strangely thought it would be in a Thursday, I think I looked at Septembers calendar, perhaps? This was a dream, the dream to celebrate the milestone birthday in London, this was fulfilled and I am happy for him, no we do not speak, and no I am not on his mind but he still is on mine, feelings, well of course everyone has someone or certain individuals that stayed in their heart ,that special place and never left, never walked away.

Dating, well I ate a burger with a guy, the end. No text, no nothing, me, well this guy got the attention, yes I was the fool and messaged straight after excitedly saying how much I enjoyed it, okay so perhaps he was not my ideal type but the burger was nice and we clicked, I was promised another date and a message but whatever right. Any other men, well there was the guy that asked me to take a photograph of him infront of these famous silver balls we have in Adelaide’s Rundle Mall, I think it was an excuse to get my attention, why do I say this , well now he is a part of my life, I do not think for long as something I cannot explain does not feel right, plus he has been a little full on dare I say in a few ways. Yes we have seen each other today but pushing aside the holding hands, arms wrapped around my waist, the “beautiful eyes” talk and random kisses, there is the whole “do you like me?” talk, amongst others, all of which makes me think I draw in men that need fulfilment and see me as some sweetheart that can do all this and that then mend my own broken used heart and body.

So, I am again writing this a few days later, this is what I do, I think I should start dating my posts as diary entries as I seem to start and stop, then in look back and think “oh what a mess!”. It is now Monday, a public holiday so yes, I am anxious as I do not have the house to myself is morning, the weather is well going to be crazy and wild, a nightmare for my mind and not to mention the OCD side of me, so I am going to get out, yes face the dangerous weather, it is better than sitting around home.

Now I did manage the day of my ex’s birthday, I thought about him of course, but I got through it. There are days where I still think about him, I am unsure if we were meant to be, but that whole quote thing comes to mind, you know the quotes you google when you are feeling down and wondering why single- many thanks to Greg Behrendt for the famous lines I am occasionally googling.

My coffee is getting cold and my facial hair needs plucking, I keep looking at the window and all I see is darkness, I hear the birds but it is not a Spring morning, it is warm, yes terribly humid however. I often question myself in the mornings and nights as these are the times I am at my most hectic, I ponder why I repeat the same tasks and how I can break the cycle. The cycle of unhappiness, yes this coming Friday I will be seeing my new psychologist, oh my, two at the same time!

The coffee is cold.

Now I am under pressure, dad has walked in and notified me the two sets of taps are dripping so I need to rush and do things so he can fix them, so much for a day off, a morning when I do anything for myself, no, this never seems to happen when the house is not empty. I had some piece of mind a few weeks back, I flew to Sydney for a few days and just wandered the streets during the day, shopped and ate delicious food at night in my hotel room, the staff were beautiful and that was the first time in ages I felt positive-an example of the negativity is last night when I arrived home, I got a headache, I felt sad, strangely so did someone else in my home, I guess everyone is this house carries emotions and they flow through, other households I have visited do not have this feel.

I am shaking. I love my parents, but sometimes we all just get on each other’s nerves, well I guess.

Today was crazy, I nearly got knocked over by the wind on the way to Coles to buy my stupid cleaning essentials. Yes, I stopped typing and headed out, I came home to literally a messy garden, I tried to tidy up but is is windy tonight and may be wet tomorrow, so much for Spring right?! On my adventures today I did not feel like I did the other day, you know how some days have a certain feel to them, perhaps it is my fragile mind, or maybe there was something in the air?

All I know is I am better out of this house than in, I need to give myself daily tasks, push aide the chores etc and have something to look forward to, yes still not working but this has been a big decision on not just my behalf but a few other people that have known me-nurse, psychologist, doctor, mother and job lady, yes I cried, cried thinking I failed everyone, failed myself and that I am some bludger but if I am not helped mentally, I cannot have a career, nor can I study in a field I want to next year and move away into a place I can call home.

I read back and feel selfish, it seems this post is me me me, when in fact I am not trying to make it this way, just need to write I have my writing to try and help me and hopefully help others. There is some thing so powerful I believe in the written word, I guess for me writing has been my friend, no wait that makes no sense, stationary has.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, that means it is three days away from seeing my new psychologist, no I am not excited, yes I am nervous and why do I have to face this all over again? Not only does it get hard to develop a bond with a new medical professional but it is draining to have to tell the same story over again, aside from the fact I feel like I am crazy, I also feel like I will be judged. The good thing about this it is out of town, so I can catch a bus, the bad thing is I have to go.

Jimmy was such a sweetheart, okay so what did he do you ask, well he got his PINK toy and followed me with it so I could play fetch with him, yes he was so sad when I had to eventually go inside, you see when I am down jimmy is down,and when jimmy is down I seem to be down, it is as though we have become one mind.  My dog really is my biggest source of happiness, I adore him and everyone knows it. Ivy-Jeane my baby girl has been gone now since May, we miss her, I dream about her lots, I know she is happy up there, she was not a cat, she too was my world. I feel terribly depressed when go into pet stores, I see dogs and would want them all to go to the same owner, nobody gets separated. If I had the money, I would create a charity or do some thing for animals, I think I am a mother to many out there, I have so much to give.

The wind is strong again, it is making me nervous. I hate wind.

I did it again, yes yet again, I stopped my writing now just came back to it a few days later, so now it is Friday night, yes stretch top, no make up, hair in a bun, bloated belly full of Pepsi and finger bun, no date, new neighbours moving in and my Jimmy is barking when he should be asleep on his red blanket-if I had my way it would be a PINK blanket seeing how much I love the colour.

Tom is the new man now in my life, psychologist number two. It went okay, I got a fee bottle of water, he did not charge me due to my lack of employment so it is being bulk billed and I am seeing him again in two weeks. My homework, well I need to keep a diary of what I do (in terms of OCD), this is bad to look at, you know whe you keep a food diary and then look back at it!!

Bus rides into the city are still what I do to get away from life, that coffee and newspaper are my daily rituals, well amongst other things, but I think these are more so healthy. Sometimes I see Chris the musician in the mall, a nice guy with a big talent and I still think he has a shy nature, well not entirely so, I can see a certain date I say cheekiness, yes had a crush on him but that has gone, I admire him for his talent and having the courage to do what he does, I guess though if it is a passion, then that passion should drive and inspire you right? Many thanks to Chris, the song I am listening to “I Am Coming Down” by Ball Park Music is what I have been playing everyday for the last few days.

Butterflies have nearly been flying into my face lately, for a while there were only white ones I would see around but I have seen orange and these remind of Ivy-Jeane as he grave hasa garden ornament which is yes an orange butterly! I did dream of a beautiful face PINK butterfly, it was so beautiful, how I wish I could see one! I take notice of the smaller yet more so special things in life that make me grateful for everything, these keep me going, it is not the big stuff that count, well yes we all need things but it is taking the time to notice nature is really important, well it is in my eyes and I will always stand for that.

I have been having dreams of the past, oh gosh. Please leave me alone! Primary school old friends, bullying, goodbye…go stay in another place not in my mind!!

It is warm. Spring is showing its true colours here in Adelaide tonight. Too warm I feel. I am finding the time change still hard to adapt to as I forever saying ” I am running behind ” to which my mother assures me it is okay and I need to learn to accept this. The upside is many flower varieties are blooming, well not just in my yard but in general, I need to add more flowers into my life I feel.

Glands are swollen, don’t you hate this! I cannot swallow entirely well and I feel weak, I have had moments where my legs have physically felt as though they are going to collapse down, I am seeing my doctor Sunday and Monday hoping to run whatever tests need doing to find what is causing all this distress. My health is something I took for granted, I was a size ten, finally after many years for down to the weight I dreamed of, now I have ballooned and call myself a “fat hippo” every single day, I punish myself, I eat and degrade myself, I am grateful though for what I have and know I can be what I want to be and I am special just like everyone else, I really need to appreciate so much more, so so much.

The burger guy is now not on the dating site anymore, the guy I mentioned that asked me to take a photograph of him in the mall has left me alone, so this leaves me alone now, well no dates or romance, I like it this way as I do not want the wrong types in my life. I know I cannot help them coming I to my life but I have a choice if they stay or not.

My ex from back in January plays in my mind, I miss him. What do I do? You know what I do, I google him but I must appreciate the past but look to the future, yes that is what I should do.

So this is where I stop, I want to publish this. I do hope everyone is well, that we all are keeping strong and many people have beautiful pretty flowers on their window sills!

<3
Miss Popette x

Adelaide, We Have Reached Spring!

Spring 2014

There was a butterfly playing happily amongst the weeds-a dump which was once a petrol station where I would catch my bus on the way to school years ago,on my way to the bus the other day I noticed this, this then lead me to believe ing life really is beautiful and it is the small things that matter, they make me smile. You see this is what I need to do,I also need to “simplify my life”-words from my psychologist.

Life is a journey, everybody knows this, I think however it is not until little moments in life that make us step back away form the world makes us realise this. It is not the fact that we are ungrateful, it is just sometimes we perhaps do not see the other side to life, well sometimes. Okay sorry, here I am getting all sentimental. I feel as though I am getting all motherly despite the fact I am not a mother, or a mother to be, I am nothing of the sort, though my dog is still (and always will be!) my baby not, my world, my happiness.

It has become so that I need to see Jimmy’s face day and night in order to smile, I need to see my baby bit is okay and he knows I am here for him as I know he is for me and my parents.
Ah yes, life at home. Right so where do I start to share about this part of my life. Okay so I am grateful, I genuinely am to have parents and to be safe at home, I think it is the fact that I do not do well always when I am living with others, I am with the condition OCD, I was once living alone and that worked well, I actually was coping better. The whole Melbourne life, my world away from home, this is something I cannot believe was over a year ago, since then I have not returned to visit, I cringe at the thought and the sound of trams in the background of youtube videos that feature some amazing buskers in Melbourne makes me not smile like it used to, this has made me realise that Melbourne is not for me, well not at this time, where is, well I cannot answer that…still!

There have been things that I have deeply thought about, one thing is my health,pushing aside the fact I am now a bit overweight, I mean my mental health, this had promoted not just a nurse, or my parents, but also my previous job search lady plus my doctor to push for me to have time away from work related projects and receive intensive therapy, yes, I will be seeing my new psychologist Tom in October which I am totally dreading! This will be the new man in my life, he will need to focus just on my severe OCD, oh gosh.

Tears have not been flowing like they used to, I thought maybe it is because I am so mentally drained or stressed, I am unsure why I have not cried since so much since my dear baby girl (cat) passed away back in May, but yesterday I cried I had that hysterical crying, you know the embarrassing kind where you cannot take a breath and you think how do I stop this? I was crying in a office.

Beauty therapy, just these two words excite me, I think I have chosen a new career path for me, I need to study, I have to push myself back into the world so I can enter the workforce trained in something for the first time ever, the event management did not get me anywhere and retail,well that is always going to be around which I enjoy but I think I should try this path, who knows right?

Going back to previous paragraphs about being maternal, well I have dreamt a lot about being pregnant lately, last night I dreamt it again, these dreams are I believe a sign of new beginnings, well I can only hope so.

Just like everyone, I am searching and trying to keep my head up, my dear friend Peter always tells me these words and I will forget keep them glued to my heart.

Talking about hearts, well my heart, aside from the occasional pain that is caused by anxiety it is broken, yes again. All I need to say is online dating, mean language and arrogance, the end.
On the flip side, I received a text yesterday from a number I had not stored in my phone, it was my ex, yes ex fiancé! The message was a kind hello and seeing if I still had this number and how I was, I freaked out thinking who would call me by my full name, the number was familiar but my memory is not always that great, I then received a text reply after I apologised not knowing who it was that just basically said that it did not matter who it was as long as I was okay, by this second time I was in panic, after my ex fiancé told me it was him and all was better. You see we have not seen each other for months, the last time we did he came over when I was alone before he started work one early morning, it was brief and literally we did not speak after that, things happen. I know we are soul mates, we just do not love each other anymore, but it is of great comfort to know after all this time he wanted to check up on me.

The days are now warmer, yes like I have mentioned, it is finally Spring, this means blossoms, sunshine and eventually the sun will be out longer, okay so this is the downside, I like Winter nights as I like it to get dark early, but anyway, such a minut thing I should not whinge about!

So it is now Sunday, yes I did it again, spread this post out over two days, I tend to do this,hence the length of my posts. I am writing this in bed, nervous to face the day, I get like this, I am unsure why, I know my medication is not helping me mentally. Strangely I feel like ice cream which is something I am not entirely a fan of.

Thank you for listening,
<3
Miss Popette x

Defining My Character

image
Recent photograph of me

…”You are a human,a beautiful creature that came into life for a reason,a being with a pumping heart and the sunshine in your eyes”.Okay,so this is what I am telling myself tonight,part of my mental health battle has been the acceptance but on the flip side I have learnt it does not define me-dreamer,ballerina,daughter,friend,blogger,I am still all these things.

I am going to apologise in advance for being absent from my blog for a few weeks, honestly I have felt a part of me missing because this is my home, it has been for nearly two years and I believe I have grown as a person on here, I have also faced a few fears, I did not deliberately choose to ignore this home of mine, it is just I have been busy with work related issues, been heartbroken (yes again!), been down and my pill makes me tired most nights.

Tonight is a cold night, well my bones feel cold, this could be for two reasons, one it am coming down with something or two, it is cold out, I am thinking both as I have been running hot and cold. This is being created in my bed, I have youtube playing on in the background, I chose to play “Riptide” by Vance Joy as I heard this amazingly unique busker in the mall today singing, the words really made me smile, I literally smiled and felt I was glowing, you see it takes a special man to make me feel this way these days.

Ah, there I said it, only two (or so) paragraphs in and men, yes men! Right so it is my fault, I am on the dating site so this is where I meet them, but I find if I am not on there, I do not come in to contact with many men so this has been the way (an unsuccessful way might I add) for me for the last couple of years on and off. I am just like many others (both men and women) that sit lonely at the computer hoping that a special person will just walk into my life, take me as I truly am and love me, mmm.

You know what happened, yet again I saved this and just came back to it, so my pieces are bits added here and there, this is the way my mind has been lately, actually maybe my whole life.

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Another photograph of me in PINK

So much to say, many things I have to face and do, one day at a time right? I keep saying that but I want to plan ahead, see a future, despite I know, planning ahead can lead in disappointment, increase anxiety and add to more worries or for me, add extra chores. Though in saying this, I need to think of my future, I have to really get myself back in to a better frame of mind as I am getting older.

Yes age does scare me, well in the sense ummm hmmm perhaps this will better explain it: I got to know a guy who was early twenties (me well close to thirty!), he made me feel beautiful, I felt special, that was until things fell to pieces. Now this guy travelled to meet me, yes the first guy ever like ever, he booked a hotel and everything, met him at the airport, oh it was a dream, so how come now it is not you ask?

Continuing on…Well this guy whom I have not yet come up with a nickname is incredibly handsome, very powerful and is popular, he is also a big history buff and an old soul, you see, parts of him made me feel insecure, like I was not good enough despite him being amazed by me. I think I judged him.

Now when a guy cries it is a good thing, well for me it is, it makes me feel that he actually liked me. This has happened twice, yes once to the guy back in January and this recent guy, both incredibly nice but perhaps the wrong guys for me. Actually maybe nice is not the word but I really cannot say too much bad.

The thing that made this recent guy cry was seeing my handwriting, I showed him it and he got teary, this then resulted in him being embarrassed and apologising, which then resulted in me crying and realising this was it. I kept the piece of paper Mr Recent wrote in and the photographs of our time together, sadly this will be just a passing moments in time as he is totally ignoring me, yes after my immature texts and calls and his promises then broken ones, we are now not close.

Anyway so the weeks have passed, I have gained quite a bit of weight (comfort eating), people have noticed, I feel pregnant, now I do not want to whinge as I can only change this issue, yes I think after abusing my body it is time to work out a plan, I was once anorexic, then obese, then a model weight then…anyway I have got to love myself instead of tormenting myself.

I think I need to become a beauty therapist, after ten years I am going to try again I need to look into courses that are funded so I can have some support and believe in myself, I had hoped my time in Melbourne would have been where this would have happened for me but obviously it was not meant to be right…maybe now?

Yes I wander, I still sometimes go to the city, but now it is becoming boring, I mean, I need to change things, try new things, visit different places, see people I do not see every other day…my dear psychologist and mother agree.

Talking about psychologists, I will soon have TWO! I know, can I freak out yet?! The reason to this is due to my severe OCD, my nurse has found me a psychologist that specialises in the treatment for OCD, if not, my nurse has also mentioned hypnosis, why, well she has had patients swear by these two, now this nurse knows her thing!

Oh my gosh, it is finally SPRING here in Adelaide! I had to write the season in capitals, actually in saying this, this coming week going to be Wintery weather, hello OCD! I am aching to play with flowers, create new bouquets, perhaps buy some and plant in the many many empty pots we have here at the front of the house. So many people I can tell a happy with the weather getting warmer, yes out come the skirts and bright colours and pretty sandals.

My dear friend Peter up in Queensland has the most beautiful flowers , plants and garden ever and I mean ever, I have some images saved as screen savers and backgrounds. My friend knows to send me pretty pictures of them when I am feeling down.

I still cringe when I think of Melbourne, strangely I still have not been back since I moved, I cannot bring myself to visit nor do I feel the need to I have lived there, been what it is like, I feel in my heart I need to make somewhere else my home and not Adelaide! Yes, this means starting all over again but I did it once, however I cannot till I am stable.

Something that makes me feel good is when people recognise me, when I have made a good impression, this has happened twice, yes the talented musician I mentioned a while ago from Rundle Mall, anyway twice (yes one day after another) he smiled and said hello from afar, you see, something as small as that means more to me than anything. Thank you Chris for making me feel good about me as I walked lonely to the bus stop!

Oh another thing , sorry for the jumbled pieces…my nose is still hurting after I literally smashed it a while ago as I lifted my head up from the ground, I move it and it makes a slight nose, plus when I wash my face it is slightly sore, my doctor checked it but I think I may get an X-ray just to be on the safe side.

Lately I have become a bit emotional again, apart from when I see babies and couples, I also feel sorry for anyone that has some form of disability (though I always have), now I want to help people even more so, here we complain sometimes but there is always someone out there that is worse off. Whenever I feel down though, something makes me something that makes me feel grateful for what I have got and who I am, I also have been seeing white butterflies lately.

I still want to do more for mental illness, to share my story, answer questions and create speeches for groups, I feel I have to, I have in choice. There are things in life we are destined to do, this is one of them things for me, well just one but one massive one!

Dreading the next few days, family thing after family thing and big chore days…just got to take time out to smell the fresh air and flowers right? It is sad when seeing family can be so nerve wrecking, yet seeing strangers is more comforting to me, this sounds horrible, like I am a mean hearted girl but it is just I am strangely not as close to them.
However, one gathering will be interesting as three of my relatives went overseas so I can see and hear hopefully some interesting and inspiring things.

Overseas, yes this is where I need to go, where I belong is another story! Part of me feels like I have to see the guy bake in January, he lives in London city and has formed his own company, how do I know this, well it had to Google him, I know, my bad.

Thank you for listening, I do miss many people on here and hope I hear from you!

<3
Miss Popette x

Smile At The Sunshine

04/08/2014

Me yesterday

Somedays I feel like I am that little girl,you know the little girl that has her hair all pretty but wants to just take it all out,dance silly and poke her tongue out…I want to remember what it is like to smile at the sunshine and forget about dating….I was once that girl.

So it has been a while since I have blogged and I am truly sorry for this, but it is comforting to know that people from around the world have still looked at my blog, it truly is my second family. I have said to myself that at night whilst I am laying in bed I would start writing, but mostly I doze off because of my antidepressants.

Nothing too exciting is happening, well something did happen that was a bit scary-on Thursday night I woke up to wanting a drink, I recall being sweaty and dizzy and my heart racing, I bent down to put on my ugg boots and must have smashed my nose and head on the cupboard…I then remember stumbling and eventually sitting on the ground, this is where there was blood that my mother ended up finding on Friday morning. It is still unclear why this all happened, the doctor asked a lot of questions and examined me, I will not lie, I am still a tad puzzled but glad it was what it was and nothing else happened.

On the flip side, I am applying for work, putting in my resumes into shops and sometimes anxious about it all, I miss being part of the retail world and dressing up, I get so lonely at times.

Dating,well I have hid my dating profile, I feel it has only left me more alone, more unsure of myself and insecure, my mother has noticed it only brings me down and those around me agree. Sure, I do feel more lonely without being online but I need to cope. Part of me has realised that it can be an ego thing, that the whole popularity of it all is what sickens me, I mean, seeing people make the “top 100″ is just so unappealing to me.

Sometimes I tell people,I feel old, I cannot compete with the younger girls anymore, I do not know what my mind thinks somedays. I accept who I am and know I am blessed to be alive, the thing is I am starting to think these antidepressants are stuffing up my mind. The other day I walked into what is a younger ladies store and bought myself a short one piece jumpsuit, I was looking in the mirror realising that this is what the younger crowd wears and really did not care-sometimes I just let go.

Last night I let go of a lot, I ate Hungry Jacks, a packet of biscuits and then a sandwich, I guess I just did not care what was going into my body, I wanted to just eat my sorrows away. My body often pays for how I am feeling.

There goes my alarm, it is time for me to face the world, I really would rather stay in bed, I think I need a whole days rest. It is so nice to finally have some sunshine here in Adelaide, I am almost shocked! The forecast is basically clear, this means I could tidy my garden but refusing to do so till later on in the week, I have become sick and tired of it all.

Do you ever get nervous stepping out of bed?…

<3

Miss Popette x

 

Little Miss Ballerina

Little Miss Ballerina

A moment I captured of myself

Here in my pretty white skirt,I attract depression as if I am a magnet…I smile when I see someone doing a crossword in the sunshine in the park and cry when alone in the dark.I am wild and free,but sometimes my anxiety stops me.

So this is how I decided to start my post, yes I know, I have been absent from the blogging world and my online family for a while yet again, and you know what, I have genuinely felt more lost, my mother and psychologist noticed it.

Nothing much had changed in my life, well I jumped on a plane and went to Sydney alone for four days, yes it was like heaven, I had no cleaning to do, drank tons of coffee, dressed up everyday and sat in the sunshine, basically it was the opposite to my Adelaide life. The weird thing was I felt more at home there than here, even my hotel too felt like home, I guess this is something I need to accept and realise, perhaps Sydney will be my next home?

I still do not know where I belong, yes Miss Popette, the girl with the PINK lipstick stained lips and the messy hair is unsure again. This all made more sense when a lovely lady in an art gallery in Sydney told me something along these lines “If you have to spend a week living somewhere and it does not make you happy…”, I understood exactly what this beautiful lady was trying to tell me, I guess it is up to me to make myself happy, well it can move, yes I dream of that, but I also need to change my frame of mind, my thinking.

Men, ah. Nothing much to report, well apart from me having a little mini argument in a food court with a yiros worker. Now did I mention in my last post about a guy that seemed a tad obsessed, he was all like “I love you!”, no, yes, sorry unsure if I did write about him. Anyway this is the update…So yesterday I sat and had my coffee with my nuts and lollies and of course my newspaper next to me close by, I noticed him starring at me, like literally and his body was sort of slumped on the counter in a starring manner, okay just this makes me feel awkward oh but it gets better…

…sitting there I felt insecure for the first time in a food court in ages. Now I know I am allowed to do whatever I please, the food court is an open place, this has been a place I go to and have been going to for months. I noticed him and his staff giggling, someone did the whole crazy hand signal (you know when someone moved their hand around backwards near their ear), then there see a few other things that deeply hurt me, this distressed me so I went up to the counter and took my hurt out on a female worker, yes I did.

I did not realise he was not there until a little after this girl was all smiles and I was all like ah. “I would appreciate to be able to eat my lunch and not be harassed or stalked” is what I said, I also just spoke of how this guy has stalked me and how I would be willing to get security involved if this does not stop.

Yes it is my fault partly, why, well the day this guy approached me he gave me his number in a piece of paper, now me being me, I thanked him for talking to me, for smiling, yes I thanked someone for being kind,what a joke I am! Clearly this somehow gave him the idea that I was wanting to take things further when I did not!

Over the last few weeks I have received missed calls and messages, as if this guy thinks he is my husband. I have told a few people and even they have said this guy is well crazy, yes the hand signals should have been towards him!

Thankfully after all this happened, later in the afternoon I caught the bus back and went to my appointment, yes I got to finally see my dear psychologist, it is saddening as my sessions are like literally weeks away, over a month wait! Oh and I did not do my speech I had planned on doing, now it has been moved to the twenty-sixth of August. This speech is about my life and my writing and will be shared to a few of the clients and staff at the psychologists office. Nerves hello!

My ex, yes the guy that moved to London, well he is still in my thoughts, like a lot. Sometimes I have tried calling his mobile only to hear his voicemail message, I know his mobile is not working but it is his voice that I sometimes need to hear. I am not in Facebook so I cannot connect with him, I have thought perhaps I should be but I know that form of media will just make me even more anxious. The truth is I miss him but then I stop and think why, then after thinking why I realise he was just part of my journey.

The time is five thirty-two am, I know I have a busy and long late day ahead of me and to be honest, I am unsure if I can cope with it. I have to attend a group interview for a retail role out of the city, so I will be catching a bus then a tram then the same back, ah yes, I need to plan my timetable and oh gosh, pull myself together.

Perhaps this is where I leave this now, maybe I will post it soon. I know I cannot hide in my bed forget, I have to brave Adelaide’s depressing wintery weather and get on with my Wednesday.

Thank you for listening!

<3

Miss Popette x

 

 

 

Miss Popette, Where Have You Been?

12/07/2014

Anxiety is pain,like carrying a camel on your back walking up mountains in stilettos,cooking and only splattering yourself with it,right, so my examples may not be that relatable,but you get my point. Okay so the only oil I got on me tonight was from my can tuna,my shoes are well PINK run down granny uggboots and my mountain,well it is my bed!

Okay so this is take two, yes Miss Popette created a very long post hours ago when I was waking up, now it is night time, yes a whole day has passed, sadly my earlier post was somehow deleted. I actually created my last post in less than thirty minutes and I kind if liked that one more, this one, well is only hope I can like it just as much.

This very minute it is soaking in the garden, yes got to love Adelaide’s weather, well not me! The days without the sun are just depressing,I mean, only so much rain I can take, mentally it takes it’s toll, it is like sitting in a darkened cellar (wait, aren’t all cellars dark?!). Not just the fact that the darkness annoys me, it is the OCD thing I battle, you know, the messy garden and dirty windows. I wrote to a friend begging for some Spring sunshine!

Time has passed, actually a lot of time has passed since my dear baby girl (cat) Ivy-Jeane has passed, lately I have felt her presence even more, it is some thing I tell my mother but I literally cannot explain it. The are moments I want to bring her back to life, to tell her I love her and that she will be okay because I am here I know this sounds all too weird perhaps but she was my world, actually any dear pets are to me. Maybe it is my loneliness playing my heart?

I think I mentioned I had doubled my antidepressant dosage in another post, well I have, yes I am hoping it does something positive for me, well my mind. At the market the other day, a man selling magazines spoke to me and he was well boy was he calm, I mentioned my medication and he spoke how they “only mask the problem”, now I agree, I also however agree that some people need medication and in addition should have some form of therapy, for me, I need specialised treatment now in OCD. Yes, I talk to anybody as I value talking to people.

Just trying to think what I mentioned in this mornings post that strangely deleted, mmm, come on brain!

Men, ah ah, I knew there was something I missed out that I can never really leave a post without mentioning something about this topic. So, I am not dating anybody (yes surprise surprise it?!), well, I never really get asked out, but I am maybe having coffee with a guy this weekend, okay so, no, it will not be the whole “oh my gosh, what do I wear?”, instead it is more so like me just dressing myself up to look okay and be comfortable, I am so over the whole trying to impress thing, I think I am accepting more of myself, though with my over indulging activities, my jelly belly, rounder face and bloated body have come back, okay, got to really address this silly issue.

Anyway, the date thing, I see this as a confidence booster not an ego one, there is a difference! I want to see myself talking clearly to men, my head up high, not daydreaming about the wedding (okay this one I cannot promise!) and not text the guy straight after thanking him for a nice time, no, Miss Popette stop this last thing!

The ex, now this should have a full top and be left at that but no, I have to drag on and talk about my ex, yes silly girl. I feel strange, lately I have also been thinking about my ex, you know the guy that left me for London, okay so not another woman but still, a big thing! I am happy for my ex and there was no way I would have tried to stop him, this was his dream, it is his life and he is in his own little world, he really is different. Me, well I am the same as him but still stuck in a rut in a boring town not living the life I want, I know, only I can make changes, slowly slow.
I am grateful though for the life I have, I think as I am getting older I am seeing a lot of heartache around me, I feel for so many people (actually I used to when I was young also so this has not changed), you see, as we grow we are exposed to more and more, there is such sadness out there but also such beauty.

There must be a reason why I am thinking about my ex, why he is in my thoughts, you see the last time this happened my other ex was in hospital. I think I mentioned I saw my ex fiancé recently, yes not the best thing to do and we are sometimes in contact but Mr London (think this is the first time I have called him that!), we are not in contact at all literally.

I need to let go, this is what my head just said, I need to let go of him but not the memory. This can be hard, I think for me I can live in the past when the present scares me, this is acceptyable for me at times. On the flip side, by living this way, I am limiting myself to the possibilities of the future.

There I went, I found myself in the kitchen for my fattening two bowls of cereal, I am unsure again of this addiction, first the chocolate muffin, muesli, jam and butter then this one, why can it not be an apple or green tea addiction?! I am laying in bed thinking to myself why I keep abusing my body, how come I feel like a big nothing again and how I can overcome this, instead if positive action I fall into a heap. It is also not just cereal, but also biscuits and chocolates too.

It was bound to happen, yes like a guy so much I began to daydream what life would be like with him, only thing wrong with this equation, well this one lived too far. I openly asked him what we should do, his response was “well miss I think it’s for the best that we seek for a partner closer to us or else it will just be teasing ourselves…but still like to be friends”. Okay so I needed this, perhaps the whole reality check thing, but this has burst my bubble.

Now where does this leave the girl with the messy hair laying in bed lonely on a Friday night? Well it leaves me wondering…where do I belong? Where is my soul mate?

Guess what…guessed yet?! Yes you guessed it, this is a week late, yes, I am adding on, silly Popette did not publish the earlier piece, so here I am, on a Saturday morning adding more to a already long post.

Where I am, well, I am realising it is just literally ONE DAY AT A TIME for me from now on, yes I still create my lists but I can only mentally handle living one day at a time.

Tonight and tomorrow night I have family functions, yes my gosh, here comes the nerves,especially when one event is a big one and you all know how I am not at all close to a few certain individuals in my family, I know I sound rude for being so open but I know who I am comfortable with and who I am clearly not, anyway, just got to live through it, like I said to one beautiful friend, “daydream through the blah blah” (okay, I did add another word!).

This very second I am sitting on a cold corridor floor in my parents home, yes my parents home, a place that I know is not my home and will never be, why,well I still do not know where I literally belong, unsure what road to take again but I do know I need to smile more.

The truth is I am stuck in reality and daydreams, well one big daydream.

There is a guy that noticed me in the food court I sit and eat in regularly when I get my coffee, lollies and nuts in the city on my days out, anyway he came over and sat next to me, yes sat right next to me and kept looking, I felt hew anted to say something, the way he did was he commented about the newspaper, anyway he handed me a handwritten number and told me to contact him, this guy has been contacting me quite a lot and with some words I am unsure how else to understand them other than maybe a tad oh how do I say it, ummm weird is what my dear friend my Queensland said…

..yes, I asked some people for advice, I do this, I always follow my own heart and stay true to myself but I need to ask others, I want others to help me. I guess sometimes I rely too much on others for my own happiness, I will admit this and look like a failure right here right now, I do treasure those though closest to me, those that are not, well I hope to still meet many beautiful people.

Last night I had a dream about my dear baby girl that passed, yes my believed cat Ivy-Jeane, I was screaming “she is alive!”, my dear girl was sitting under the veranda near the door to go outside, I had watery eyes at the kitchen sink earlier, I miss her so much, but is am being strong, though at times the guilt of me not being there when she passed stays inside.

Maybe now I should post this, I mean I do not want to be that far I between posts, so sorry for the big delay!

<3
Miss Popette x