Miss I am am sitting well laying in my bed balancing my iPad on my belly (yes you did hear right and no,no baby in my tummy just bloated!).I have a new man in my life,yes my psychologist(yes I know he sad),and I am counting everyday his many beautiful butterflies fly by…just another page of my life…here goes…
My mother rushed to take my grandmother to the hospital a few hours ago and I ended up eating all of my fathers chocolate and then wanted to lay in bed like a bloated piggy with a cheap stretch nightie- oh no! My fears are bubbling up to the surface, mainly the germ thing, yes, my mother went near my grandmother, the vomit, the hospital, I oh it all terrifies me, not even my pill (antidepressant) is easing me, which reminds me, next weekend I am to see my doctor, yes this is a few days after I see my new psychologist (I will have two!).
So pushing aside the fact my tummy is full of chocolate, bread and diet coke and the fact I can balance things, what else has been happening? Well lots really, possibly nothing exciting, no, no engagement ring, no new flowers in my garden and no job, but I am grateful for the fresh air, the smile my dog seems to make me do, the texts from my mother and father trying to build up my confidence, the ex that walks back into my life if only to “check up” on me and the fact that is is now Spring. I do not need the shiny diamond ring, the big mansion or a designer handbag, all I need is life, reality and most days, time to myself.
Today is a big day, well not for me but emotionally I thought it would have been worse, it is my ex’s thirtieth birthday, yes the guy that left me for London, remember back in January? Well for some reason I got the days mixed up, I did know it was the fourth of October, I just strangely thought it would be in a Thursday, I think I looked at Septembers calendar, perhaps? This was a dream, the dream to celebrate the milestone birthday in London, this was fulfilled and I am happy for him, no we do not speak, and no I am not on his mind but he still is on mine, feelings, well of course everyone has someone or certain individuals that stayed in their heart ,that special place and never left, never walked away.
Dating, well I ate a burger with a guy, the end. No text, no nothing, me, well this guy got the attention, yes I was the fool and messaged straight after excitedly saying how much I enjoyed it, okay so perhaps he was not my ideal type but the burger was nice and we clicked, I was promised another date and a message but whatever right. Any other men, well there was the guy that asked me to take a photograph of him infront of these famous silver balls we have in Adelaide’s Rundle Mall, I think it was an excuse to get my attention, why do I say this , well now he is a part of my life, I do not think for long as something I cannot explain does not feel right, plus he has been a little full on dare I say in a few ways. Yes we have seen each other today but pushing aside the holding hands, arms wrapped around my waist, the “beautiful eyes” talk and random kisses, there is the whole “do you like me?” talk, amongst others, all of which makes me think I draw in men that need fulfilment and see me as some sweetheart that can do all this and that then mend my own broken used heart and body.
So, I am again writing this a few days later, this is what I do, I think I should start dating my posts as diary entries as I seem to start and stop, then in look back and think “oh what a mess!”. It is now Monday, a public holiday so yes, I am anxious as I do not have the house to myself is morning, the weather is well going to be crazy and wild, a nightmare for my mind and not to mention the OCD side of me, so I am going to get out, yes face the dangerous weather, it is better than sitting around home.
Now I did manage the day of my ex’s birthday, I thought about him of course, but I got through it. There are days where I still think about him, I am unsure if we were meant to be, but that whole quote thing comes to mind, you know the quotes you google when you are feeling down and wondering why single- many thanks to Greg Behrendt for the famous lines I am occasionally googling.
My coffee is getting cold and my facial hair needs plucking, I keep looking at the window and all I see is darkness, I hear the birds but it is not a Spring morning, it is warm, yes terribly humid however. I often question myself in the mornings and nights as these are the times I am at my most hectic, I ponder why I repeat the same tasks and how I can break the cycle. The cycle of unhappiness, yes this coming Friday I will be seeing my new psychologist, oh my, two at the same time!
The coffee is cold.
Now I am under pressure, dad has walked in and notified me the two sets of taps are dripping so I need to rush and do things so he can fix them, so much for a day off, a morning when I do anything for myself, no, this never seems to happen when the house is not empty. I had some piece of mind a few weeks back, I flew to Sydney for a few days and just wandered the streets during the day, shopped and ate delicious food at night in my hotel room, the staff were beautiful and that was the first time in ages I felt positive-an example of the negativity is last night when I arrived home, I got a headache, I felt sad, strangely so did someone else in my home, I guess everyone is this house carries emotions and they flow through, other households I have visited do not have this feel.
I am shaking. I love my parents, but sometimes we all just get on each other’s nerves, well I guess.
Today was crazy, I nearly got knocked over by the wind on the way to Coles to buy my stupid cleaning essentials. Yes, I stopped typing and headed out, I came home to literally a messy garden, I tried to tidy up but is is windy tonight and may be wet tomorrow, so much for Spring right?! On my adventures today I did not feel like I did the other day, you know how some days have a certain feel to them, perhaps it is my fragile mind, or maybe there was something in the air?
All I know is I am better out of this house than in, I need to give myself daily tasks, push aide the chores etc and have something to look forward to, yes still not working but this has been a big decision on not just my behalf but a few other people that have known me-nurse, psychologist, doctor, mother and job lady, yes I cried, cried thinking I failed everyone, failed myself and that I am some bludger but if I am not helped mentally, I cannot have a career, nor can I study in a field I want to next year and move away into a place I can call home.
I read back and feel selfish, it seems this post is me me me, when in fact I am not trying to make it this way, just need to write I have my writing to try and help me and hopefully help others. There is some thing so powerful I believe in the written word, I guess for me writing has been my friend, no wait that makes no sense, stationary has.
Tomorrow is Tuesday, that means it is three days away from seeing my new psychologist, no I am not excited, yes I am nervous and why do I have to face this all over again? Not only does it get hard to develop a bond with a new medical professional but it is draining to have to tell the same story over again, aside from the fact I feel like I am crazy, I also feel like I will be judged. The good thing about this it is out of town, so I can catch a bus, the bad thing is I have to go.
Jimmy was such a sweetheart, okay so what did he do you ask, well he got his PINK toy and followed me with it so I could play fetch with him, yes he was so sad when I had to eventually go inside, you see when I am down jimmy is down,and when jimmy is down I seem to be down, it is as though we have become one mind. My dog really is my biggest source of happiness, I adore him and everyone knows it. Ivy-Jeane my baby girl has been gone now since May, we miss her, I dream about her lots, I know she is happy up there, she was not a cat, she too was my world. I feel terribly depressed when go into pet stores, I see dogs and would want them all to go to the same owner, nobody gets separated. If I had the money, I would create a charity or do some thing for animals, I think I am a mother to many out there, I have so much to give.
The wind is strong again, it is making me nervous. I hate wind.
I did it again, yes yet again, I stopped my writing now just came back to it a few days later, so now it is Friday night, yes stretch top, no make up, hair in a bun, bloated belly full of Pepsi and finger bun, no date, new neighbours moving in and my Jimmy is barking when he should be asleep on his red blanket-if I had my way it would be a PINK blanket seeing how much I love the colour.
Tom is the new man now in my life, psychologist number two. It went okay, I got a fee bottle of water, he did not charge me due to my lack of employment so it is being bulk billed and I am seeing him again in two weeks. My homework, well I need to keep a diary of what I do (in terms of OCD), this is bad to look at, you know whe you keep a food diary and then look back at it!!
Bus rides into the city are still what I do to get away from life, that coffee and newspaper are my daily rituals, well amongst other things, but I think these are more so healthy. Sometimes I see Chris the musician in the mall, a nice guy with a big talent and I still think he has a shy nature, well not entirely so, I can see a certain date I say cheekiness, yes had a crush on him but that has gone, I admire him for his talent and having the courage to do what he does, I guess though if it is a passion, then that passion should drive and inspire you right? Many thanks to Chris, the song I am listening to “I Am Coming Down” by Ball Park Music is what I have been playing everyday for the last few days.
Butterflies have nearly been flying into my face lately, for a while there were only white ones I would see around but I have seen orange and these remind of Ivy-Jeane as he grave hasa garden ornament which is yes an orange butterly! I did dream of a beautiful face PINK butterfly, it was so beautiful, how I wish I could see one! I take notice of the smaller yet more so special things in life that make me grateful for everything, these keep me going, it is not the big stuff that count, well yes we all need things but it is taking the time to notice nature is really important, well it is in my eyes and I will always stand for that.
I have been having dreams of the past, oh gosh. Please leave me alone! Primary school old friends, bullying, goodbye…go stay in another place not in my mind!!
It is warm. Spring is showing its true colours here in Adelaide tonight. Too warm I feel. I am finding the time change still hard to adapt to as I forever saying ” I am running behind ” to which my mother assures me it is okay and I need to learn to accept this. The upside is many flower varieties are blooming, well not just in my yard but in general, I need to add more flowers into my life I feel.
Glands are swollen, don’t you hate this! I cannot swallow entirely well and I feel weak, I have had moments where my legs have physically felt as though they are going to collapse down, I am seeing my doctor Sunday and Monday hoping to run whatever tests need doing to find what is causing all this distress. My health is something I took for granted, I was a size ten, finally after many years for down to the weight I dreamed of, now I have ballooned and call myself a “fat hippo” every single day, I punish myself, I eat and degrade myself, I am grateful though for what I have and know I can be what I want to be and I am special just like everyone else, I really need to appreciate so much more, so so much.
The burger guy is now not on the dating site anymore, the guy I mentioned that asked me to take a photograph of him in the mall has left me alone, so this leaves me alone now, well no dates or romance, I like it this way as I do not want the wrong types in my life. I know I cannot help them coming I to my life but I have a choice if they stay or not.
My ex from back in January plays in my mind, I miss him. What do I do? You know what I do, I google him but I must appreciate the past but look to the future, yes that is what I should do.
So this is where I stop, I want to publish this. I do hope everyone is well, that we all are keeping strong and many people have beautiful pretty flowers on their window sills!
Miss Popette x