The OCD War

13/12/2014
This is me

Sitting on the cold dusty dirty floor,thoughts run wild through my mind,why is this world so cruel but people think it is so kind.I have OCD,it is a nightmare daily,all I think is I am going crazy.I don’t remember the girl who didn’t have a care,I think life has become so unfair.I open my heart to nature and just try to go with it…

Saturday morning-chocolate milk has been consumed,a can of furniture polish has been used,I have Katy Perry blaring and yes I am sitting on the floor wanting to run away. I has another one of those mornings, you know the ones where you almost dread or get scared about having to step out of bed and face the day and night, me well this has become a frequent thing the last few months, actually the past few weeks have become worse. I do not feel like my day will go to plan or I will have enough time let alone energy to do what needs to be done, I cram too much in then break, well actually I break before I even start!

This may sound so silly to some but to me I cannot understand how after a whole can of polish has been consumed, why does the dust come back?! Tomorrow will be Sunday and my challenge is NOT to polish or clean my garden, challenging I know but literally, who honestly cleans that much? The logic in me knows I can leave it for one day, the OCD in me freaks out and gives in, but I cannot tomorrow. I would love to take a bus trip somewhere far away from my local area which many refer to as a ‘bad’ area, I was thinking Ikea but I only went there a few weeks back and Rundle Mall bores me and I am NOT a beach girl so that leaves little to do here, oh well, got to make our own fun right?

All this talk about polishing is making me even more anxious, I will change the subject. Sooooo I shaved my legs, yes, I know you are probably thinking what the right, yes well for me, after two days I become all prickly (think a medium toothbrushes bristles!), perhaps it is the European heritage that makes me this way? Anyway, this was really not something I had to share nor will change anyone’s life, I guess I was pondering about it today and thought I felt like a toothbrush. Reading this back, it actually sounds funny.

It is Christmas time, well it has been since the start of November here in Adelaide, why you ask, well the Adelaide Christmas Pageant was in the city then and since then there literally has been craziness, actually now it is even more so (obviously!) but still! I have seen people either be grumpy or happy and no in between, I do know one thing for sure, many of us out there dread it, why, one word: family.

One thing to another, I am sorry for this, basically this is how my mind goes these days, I just got to flow with it…

Yesterday afternoon was what I could describe as an unusual but uplifting experience, no I did not see a clown or a pig flying, but three things, oh wait, they say things happen in threes. Do I start the countdown?

One: I saw a yellow hat, okay so the yellow hat was the start of it all, why, well I catch two buses and this hat I saw on one then I saw a musician in the mall, well it turns out he is the lovely guy whom is sadly nearly blind I have asked if he needed help one time, yes I know! So what did I do, well I had a twenty dollar note but could not share it all so I bought some chocolate almonds (to break the note) and made sure I gave him some coinage, you see he was playing his guitar on the very lane way that connects on to the road I catch the bus from.

Two: The nurse named Lisa. This lady was incredibly bubbly and sweet, I just felt it. Now where I was wearing what resembled a “moo moo” and it got stuck under her skirt, yes I moved to let this lady sit next to me. Now whilst this lady was on the phone she mentioned to her friend the flowers I was holding, I was flattered, then we spoke…time went on, I saw her facebook account with her wedding pictures, shared our favourite colours and flowers, spoke of our relationships, yes, it was as if she was a best and true friend.

Three: Elegant elderly lady named Rhonda. After Lisa left Rhonda turned around (obviously I did not know her name at the time). “I swear you two knew each other!” was Rhondas comment that started an inspiring talk….we spoke of depression, creativity, life and moving, yes, after this, I truly felt great.

Prior to all this I bought my flowers from the beautiful Bec I have made friend with in an old vintage arcade called “Regent Arcade”. Bec is uplifting and spiritual, creative and has a big soul, yes, I go as often as I can! I truly have realised there are angels in disguise <3

The sad thing though is I felt even more alone after Rhonda got off the bus, all this kindness and I never felt more alone. The bus trips are something of comfort to me, I hope someone will take notice and talk to me, make me smile and I can share my story, I know, maybe I show do just catch the bus just for the reason of getting to my destination! I am also a chatterbox (as you can tell!!).

Oh my ex, yes he texted me, well I texted him, we spoke but the feelings are not there anymore, this is my ex fiancé I am talking about. Yes he still sounds the same, the guy I fell for but we spoke and I said how it has been far too long, that if single we would not be able to create a relationship again,he said he did not know but I know.

It is already ten pm Saturday night, legs need shaving tomorrow, why do we get hairy straight away?! The skies were pink with a slight grey through them, the grey I do not appreciate, it makes me realise there may be a storm on the way, yes me and my dear dog hate this weather. I spent some time outside with my dear dog and he was super cute, it was a tad warm so he stayed a bit under the veranda but as soon as I finish my sweeping and the broom goes down, he runs up to me for his hugs, this keeps me going, he is my world. I do though still miss my dear cat, I have not dreamt about her of recent and feel maybe that is her way of trying to let me go, I still think my dog misses his little best friend too. Now it is just me and jimmy it feels somedays, we both stare up at the sky sometimes I guess we are wondering a lot.

The nights are for sleep NOT thinking what needs to be washed and  sanitized, right now I already have a list in my mind, my gosh. What is it like to wake up feeling dare I say “normal”? There is no such thing as normal I am forever told but surely there is a line!

When I was in the dining room last night, I was thinking , thinking about my OCD and if I am normal. My mother said to me “I can’t wait for the day…when you say come sit down with me”-she meant like when I just say stuff it to cleaning. The thing is I could just give in and clean today so tomorrow I do not but chances are I will so I may as well just leave cleaning for today…do I care anymore, NO, I want my life back!

Now I am going to change the subject, basically it is either OCD or men that take up much of my brain space these days. Oh wait, it is raining, why?! Sorry, got distracted.

Men men men…Why do I have to be the girl that men have to meet to realise they are not ready for a relationship, for them to see that they only want to play games and break hearts?! Here I am, I now abruptly text guys what they do not want to hear, yes yesterday I wrote to a guy ” I get the hint you are not wanting to keep in contact anymore” , hence no reply, mmm. This however coming from the guy who wants to be “friends”, blah blah. As I am getting older my heart is getting stronger in some ways, I get hurt by guys and it is almost like I expect it, like it just dors not come as such a shock anymore.

Just a drizzle, no rain. The house is so hot, I feel trapped. It is just the start of Summer, oh boy am I dreaming this one!

Perhaps I publish this instead of leaving it in drafts..

Hugs,

<3

Miss Popette x

The Opened Curtain

10/12/2014I open up the curtain,look outside,though all in my mind,wish this feeling would die.My life is a cracked smile,longing for more,I am sometimes afraid to look outside my door.The flowers bring life,a world so new,if only they could replace the sad memory queue.

I am back, yes it has been months but I am back, here I am wearing a khaki coloured shirt and laying in my bed on what is a Summer evening, admiring my beautiful flowers , fretting about the few days ahead and wondering how I can stop listening to the voices in my head. Okay so I do not literally hear voices but any one with OCD knows what I mean,I think they are called “intrusive thoughts”.

So what has changed in my life, my world you wonder…Well, I am twenty kilograms overweight and find myself scoffing down a packet of chips and a block of chocolate on the way home on the bus at night, why, well I have found it is the only time I am not doing something that has to do with OCD, but actually now I have developed a new OCD ritual, yes food. Ah. Basically I have turned into an insecure girl who thinks people judge her based on her excess weight and scared no guy will find me beautiful as I am not feeling it myself.

There I did it, make myself unappreciate myself for who I am and what I look like, the thing I tried so hard to overcome when I was living in Melbourne, oh melbourne, it has been over a year and I now miss it and do not get the butterflies when I think about my old home town. Adelaide is where I was born and raised , however, my heart and soul does not belong here, I know I came back for a reason-to realise this! I have taken steps back, confidence gone down, work not coming my way and I am not always sporting that “glow”.

You know when you realise you do not belong, where a place seems like a lost adventure and an open of a curtain only brings lost hope, yes this is not a positive way to see life. Oh it seems I am Miss Poet tonight! ;) I have visited sydney a few times and found myself at peace there, then yes it happens always, the dread of arriving back in Adelaide. There have been times I have passed the airport here only to feel lost, and times happy, one moment that made me feel a sense of both was seeing a gentleman my age with a big bunch of red roses standing alone, maybe he was waiting for his love?

Love, oh how I never know how I should feel when I say this word. How do you feel hearing this? Me, well I have become more of a realist in some aspects, lost my ability to day dream, I feel numb and do not cry much, I think this is a deep depression as well as a reaction to my medication. There are times though when I get emotional-seeing blind humans, looking at animals and babies, thinking about my ex in London and being scared. I know I need to love myself.

Dating, well not really done this thing-I have met a guy for the second time but it was because I thought he was lonely like me but turns out after seeing him a second time, I realise we are really not for one another, he is too intense about his work and calls me all these sweet words, I know, you are thinking wow this is a great guy, but I just do not feel it, there is more than one thing missing and I cannot be with him. I have had a guy contact me after weeks to catch up then go weeks without hearing from him, basically this is the sorts I attract :(

Flowers seem to be filling some empty void, I buy them from a lovely lady in her gorgeous little quirky shop in an arcade in the mall and then arrange them myself, basically I am obsessed with flowers, I think that is a healthy obsession though. I am thinking of becoming a florist,soooo…that requires studying and dedication on my part next year-the worst thing is I do not know where I belong, I am in this rut where I surround myself with artificial beautiful sometimes to keep myself feeling a part of this world. Yes this means I have shopped, spent far too much, only to gome home sad that all this money cannot bring me real happiness, you know the happiness of when we were once children free running in the wind.

Oh the new psychologist, yes I have seen him three times and he is very deeply involved with OCD so he makes a lot of sense, he will push me and I will probably get distressed but I know it is for the better. My father in the flip side has found a mental health clinic in Melbourne that he has discussed with both me and my mother about me attending, all this just before Christmas and the coming new year, I think I am going to just have to face this notion and see where it brings me, obviously this clinic will not be an option tilll after Christmas, though I think I could get admitted before.

The birthday is coming up, yes the last of my “twenties” next years, then the big thirty on 2016! Once again I have family questioning what is wrong with me, yes a cousin that is becoming a successful doctor and here is me, I have been asked if I was jealous as all my cousins have travelled, I said no, why, well I believe we all have a different path, I am no way like any of them, I may be older when I gain a career title but it may be what I have always wanted. Needless to say, Christmas time makes me anxious.

My baby boy, my jimmy (dog) he is still keeping me going, he is the light he truly is, he is also a cheeky-I take a bag of rubbish outside when I clean up that usually has been on the kitchen hence lots of junk, anyway here he is going through it like a garbage sorter, he manages to find something to eat! Jimmy has become rather cuddly,like his mummy, he too has gained, but it does not take his beauty away-why can I not think this about me? :(

I am still madly in love with Jon Hamm, I was fortunate enough to go to the Katy Perry concert here in Adelaide on Tuesday night a few weeks back, and I kind of still think I should visit Ireland-massive love for the accent. I know things evolve, times change and we need to accept this and move forward, but there will always be a part of us that stays, the dreams we will always hold close, the dreams that keep us going, wanting to wake up.

It is now Thursday morning, I have lots to do and my mind already is going to pop, I stay in bed longer so I do not have to face the reality of OCD.

Time to publish this, feels weird having not bogged for soooo long.

<3

Miss Popette x

Memory

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Upon my search of beautiful things I found this, I have never visited this blog before but noticed this on a search of “Inspiration” category. Aside from the gorgeous mix of colours and elegant Asian-styled theme (which I adore!), I found this to be inspiring, so thank you blogger! <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Silver Lining Of Your Cloud:

You don't have to hold onto the pain, to hold onto the memory.

You don’t have to hold onto the pain, to hold onto the memory.

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Miss Cold Sore Lips

09/10/2014

Miss I am am sitting well laying in my bed balancing my iPad on my belly (yes you did hear right and no,no baby in my tummy just bloated!).I have a new man in my life,yes my psychologist(yes I know he sad),and I am counting everyday his many beautiful butterflies fly by…just another page of my life…here goes…

My mother rushed to take my grandmother to the hospital a few hours ago and I ended up eating all of my fathers chocolate and then wanted to lay in bed like a bloated piggy with a cheap stretch nightie- oh no! My fears are bubbling up to the surface, mainly the germ thing, yes, my mother went near my grandmother, the vomit, the hospital, I oh it all terrifies me, not even my pill (antidepressant) is easing me, which reminds me, next weekend I am to see my doctor, yes this is a few days after I see my new psychologist (I will have two!).

So pushing aside the fact my tummy is full of chocolate, bread and diet coke and the fact I can balance things, what else has been happening? Well lots really, possibly nothing exciting, no, no engagement ring, no new flowers in my garden and no job, but I am grateful for the fresh air, the smile my dog seems to make me do, the texts from my mother and father trying to build up my confidence, the ex that walks back into my life if only to “check up” on me and the fact that is is now Spring. I do not need the shiny diamond ring, the big mansion or a designer handbag, all I need is life, reality and most days, time to myself.

Today is a big day, well not for me but emotionally I thought it would have been worse, it is my ex’s thirtieth birthday, yes the guy that left me for London, remember back in January? Well for some reason I got the days mixed up, I did know it was the fourth of October, I just strangely thought it would be in a Thursday, I think I looked at Septembers calendar, perhaps? This was a dream, the dream to celebrate the milestone birthday in London, this was fulfilled and I am happy for him, no we do not speak, and no I am not on his mind but he still is on mine, feelings, well of course everyone has someone or certain individuals that stayed in their heart ,that special place and never left, never walked away.

Dating, well I ate a burger with a guy, the end. No text, no nothing, me, well this guy got the attention, yes I was the fool and messaged straight after excitedly saying how much I enjoyed it, okay so perhaps he was not my ideal type but the burger was nice and we clicked, I was promised another date and a message but whatever right. Any other men, well there was the guy that asked me to take a photograph of him infront of these famous silver balls we have in Adelaide’s Rundle Mall, I think it was an excuse to get my attention, why do I say this , well now he is a part of my life, I do not think for long as something I cannot explain does not feel right, plus he has been a little full on dare I say in a few ways. Yes we have seen each other today but pushing aside the holding hands, arms wrapped around my waist, the “beautiful eyes” talk and random kisses, there is the whole “do you like me?” talk, amongst others, all of which makes me think I draw in men that need fulfilment and see me as some sweetheart that can do all this and that then mend my own broken used heart and body.

So, I am again writing this a few days later, this is what I do, I think I should start dating my posts as diary entries as I seem to start and stop, then in look back and think “oh what a mess!”. It is now Monday, a public holiday so yes, I am anxious as I do not have the house to myself is morning, the weather is well going to be crazy and wild, a nightmare for my mind and not to mention the OCD side of me, so I am going to get out, yes face the dangerous weather, it is better than sitting around home.

Now I did manage the day of my ex’s birthday, I thought about him of course, but I got through it. There are days where I still think about him, I am unsure if we were meant to be, but that whole quote thing comes to mind, you know the quotes you google when you are feeling down and wondering why single- many thanks to Greg Behrendt for the famous lines I am occasionally googling.

My coffee is getting cold and my facial hair needs plucking, I keep looking at the window and all I see is darkness, I hear the birds but it is not a Spring morning, it is warm, yes terribly humid however. I often question myself in the mornings and nights as these are the times I am at my most hectic, I ponder why I repeat the same tasks and how I can break the cycle. The cycle of unhappiness, yes this coming Friday I will be seeing my new psychologist, oh my, two at the same time!

The coffee is cold.

Now I am under pressure, dad has walked in and notified me the two sets of taps are dripping so I need to rush and do things so he can fix them, so much for a day off, a morning when I do anything for myself, no, this never seems to happen when the house is not empty. I had some piece of mind a few weeks back, I flew to Sydney for a few days and just wandered the streets during the day, shopped and ate delicious food at night in my hotel room, the staff were beautiful and that was the first time in ages I felt positive-an example of the negativity is last night when I arrived home, I got a headache, I felt sad, strangely so did someone else in my home, I guess everyone is this house carries emotions and they flow through, other households I have visited do not have this feel.

I am shaking. I love my parents, but sometimes we all just get on each other’s nerves, well I guess.

Today was crazy, I nearly got knocked over by the wind on the way to Coles to buy my stupid cleaning essentials. Yes, I stopped typing and headed out, I came home to literally a messy garden, I tried to tidy up but is is windy tonight and may be wet tomorrow, so much for Spring right?! On my adventures today I did not feel like I did the other day, you know how some days have a certain feel to them, perhaps it is my fragile mind, or maybe there was something in the air?

All I know is I am better out of this house than in, I need to give myself daily tasks, push aide the chores etc and have something to look forward to, yes still not working but this has been a big decision on not just my behalf but a few other people that have known me-nurse, psychologist, doctor, mother and job lady, yes I cried, cried thinking I failed everyone, failed myself and that I am some bludger but if I am not helped mentally, I cannot have a career, nor can I study in a field I want to next year and move away into a place I can call home.

I read back and feel selfish, it seems this post is me me me, when in fact I am not trying to make it this way, just need to write I have my writing to try and help me and hopefully help others. There is some thing so powerful I believe in the written word, I guess for me writing has been my friend, no wait that makes no sense, stationary has.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, that means it is three days away from seeing my new psychologist, no I am not excited, yes I am nervous and why do I have to face this all over again? Not only does it get hard to develop a bond with a new medical professional but it is draining to have to tell the same story over again, aside from the fact I feel like I am crazy, I also feel like I will be judged. The good thing about this it is out of town, so I can catch a bus, the bad thing is I have to go.

Jimmy was such a sweetheart, okay so what did he do you ask, well he got his PINK toy and followed me with it so I could play fetch with him, yes he was so sad when I had to eventually go inside, you see when I am down jimmy is down,and when jimmy is down I seem to be down, it is as though we have become one mind.  My dog really is my biggest source of happiness, I adore him and everyone knows it. Ivy-Jeane my baby girl has been gone now since May, we miss her, I dream about her lots, I know she is happy up there, she was not a cat, she too was my world. I feel terribly depressed when go into pet stores, I see dogs and would want them all to go to the same owner, nobody gets separated. If I had the money, I would create a charity or do some thing for animals, I think I am a mother to many out there, I have so much to give.

The wind is strong again, it is making me nervous. I hate wind.

I did it again, yes yet again, I stopped my writing now just came back to it a few days later, so now it is Friday night, yes stretch top, no make up, hair in a bun, bloated belly full of Pepsi and finger bun, no date, new neighbours moving in and my Jimmy is barking when he should be asleep on his red blanket-if I had my way it would be a PINK blanket seeing how much I love the colour.

Tom is the new man now in my life, psychologist number two. It went okay, I got a fee bottle of water, he did not charge me due to my lack of employment so it is being bulk billed and I am seeing him again in two weeks. My homework, well I need to keep a diary of what I do (in terms of OCD), this is bad to look at, you know whe you keep a food diary and then look back at it!!

Bus rides into the city are still what I do to get away from life, that coffee and newspaper are my daily rituals, well amongst other things, but I think these are more so healthy. Sometimes I see Chris the musician in the mall, a nice guy with a big talent and I still think he has a shy nature, well not entirely so, I can see a certain date I say cheekiness, yes had a crush on him but that has gone, I admire him for his talent and having the courage to do what he does, I guess though if it is a passion, then that passion should drive and inspire you right? Many thanks to Chris, the song I am listening to “I Am Coming Down” by Ball Park Music is what I have been playing everyday for the last few days.

Butterflies have nearly been flying into my face lately, for a while there were only white ones I would see around but I have seen orange and these remind of Ivy-Jeane as he grave hasa garden ornament which is yes an orange butterly! I did dream of a beautiful face PINK butterfly, it was so beautiful, how I wish I could see one! I take notice of the smaller yet more so special things in life that make me grateful for everything, these keep me going, it is not the big stuff that count, well yes we all need things but it is taking the time to notice nature is really important, well it is in my eyes and I will always stand for that.

I have been having dreams of the past, oh gosh. Please leave me alone! Primary school old friends, bullying, goodbye…go stay in another place not in my mind!!

It is warm. Spring is showing its true colours here in Adelaide tonight. Too warm I feel. I am finding the time change still hard to adapt to as I forever saying ” I am running behind ” to which my mother assures me it is okay and I need to learn to accept this. The upside is many flower varieties are blooming, well not just in my yard but in general, I need to add more flowers into my life I feel.

Glands are swollen, don’t you hate this! I cannot swallow entirely well and I feel weak, I have had moments where my legs have physically felt as though they are going to collapse down, I am seeing my doctor Sunday and Monday hoping to run whatever tests need doing to find what is causing all this distress. My health is something I took for granted, I was a size ten, finally after many years for down to the weight I dreamed of, now I have ballooned and call myself a “fat hippo” every single day, I punish myself, I eat and degrade myself, I am grateful though for what I have and know I can be what I want to be and I am special just like everyone else, I really need to appreciate so much more, so so much.

The burger guy is now not on the dating site anymore, the guy I mentioned that asked me to take a photograph of him in the mall has left me alone, so this leaves me alone now, well no dates or romance, I like it this way as I do not want the wrong types in my life. I know I cannot help them coming I to my life but I have a choice if they stay or not.

My ex from back in January plays in my mind, I miss him. What do I do? You know what I do, I google him but I must appreciate the past but look to the future, yes that is what I should do.

So this is where I stop, I want to publish this. I do hope everyone is well, that we all are keeping strong and many people have beautiful pretty flowers on their window sills!

<3
Miss Popette x

Adelaide, We Have Reached Spring!

Spring 2014

There was a butterfly playing happily amongst the weeds-a dump which was once a petrol station where I would catch my bus on the way to school years ago,on my way to the bus the other day I noticed this, this then lead me to believe ing life really is beautiful and it is the small things that matter, they make me smile. You see this is what I need to do,I also need to “simplify my life”-words from my psychologist.

Life is a journey, everybody knows this, I think however it is not until little moments in life that make us step back away form the world makes us realise this. It is not the fact that we are ungrateful, it is just sometimes we perhaps do not see the other side to life, well sometimes. Okay sorry, here I am getting all sentimental. I feel as though I am getting all motherly despite the fact I am not a mother, or a mother to be, I am nothing of the sort, though my dog is still (and always will be!) my baby not, my world, my happiness.

It has become so that I need to see Jimmy’s face day and night in order to smile, I need to see my baby bit is okay and he knows I am here for him as I know he is for me and my parents.
Ah yes, life at home. Right so where do I start to share about this part of my life. Okay so I am grateful, I genuinely am to have parents and to be safe at home, I think it is the fact that I do not do well always when I am living with others, I am with the condition OCD, I was once living alone and that worked well, I actually was coping better. The whole Melbourne life, my world away from home, this is something I cannot believe was over a year ago, since then I have not returned to visit, I cringe at the thought and the sound of trams in the background of youtube videos that feature some amazing buskers in Melbourne makes me not smile like it used to, this has made me realise that Melbourne is not for me, well not at this time, where is, well I cannot answer that…still!

There have been things that I have deeply thought about, one thing is my health,pushing aside the fact I am now a bit overweight, I mean my mental health, this had promoted not just a nurse, or my parents, but also my previous job search lady plus my doctor to push for me to have time away from work related projects and receive intensive therapy, yes, I will be seeing my new psychologist Tom in October which I am totally dreading! This will be the new man in my life, he will need to focus just on my severe OCD, oh gosh.

Tears have not been flowing like they used to, I thought maybe it is because I am so mentally drained or stressed, I am unsure why I have not cried since so much since my dear baby girl (cat) passed away back in May, but yesterday I cried I had that hysterical crying, you know the embarrassing kind where you cannot take a breath and you think how do I stop this? I was crying in a office.

Beauty therapy, just these two words excite me, I think I have chosen a new career path for me, I need to study, I have to push myself back into the world so I can enter the workforce trained in something for the first time ever, the event management did not get me anywhere and retail,well that is always going to be around which I enjoy but I think I should try this path, who knows right?

Going back to previous paragraphs about being maternal, well I have dreamt a lot about being pregnant lately, last night I dreamt it again, these dreams are I believe a sign of new beginnings, well I can only hope so.

Just like everyone, I am searching and trying to keep my head up, my dear friend Peter always tells me these words and I will forget keep them glued to my heart.

Talking about hearts, well my heart, aside from the occasional pain that is caused by anxiety it is broken, yes again. All I need to say is online dating, mean language and arrogance, the end.
On the flip side, I received a text yesterday from a number I had not stored in my phone, it was my ex, yes ex fiancé! The message was a kind hello and seeing if I still had this number and how I was, I freaked out thinking who would call me by my full name, the number was familiar but my memory is not always that great, I then received a text reply after I apologised not knowing who it was that just basically said that it did not matter who it was as long as I was okay, by this second time I was in panic, after my ex fiancé told me it was him and all was better. You see we have not seen each other for months, the last time we did he came over when I was alone before he started work one early morning, it was brief and literally we did not speak after that, things happen. I know we are soul mates, we just do not love each other anymore, but it is of great comfort to know after all this time he wanted to check up on me.

The days are now warmer, yes like I have mentioned, it is finally Spring, this means blossoms, sunshine and eventually the sun will be out longer, okay so this is the downside, I like Winter nights as I like it to get dark early, but anyway, such a minut thing I should not whinge about!

So it is now Sunday, yes I did it again, spread this post out over two days, I tend to do this,hence the length of my posts. I am writing this in bed, nervous to face the day, I get like this, I am unsure why, I know my medication is not helping me mentally. Strangely I feel like ice cream which is something I am not entirely a fan of.

Thank you for listening,
<3
Miss Popette x

Defining My Character

image
Recent photograph of me

…”You are a human,a beautiful creature that came into life for a reason,a being with a pumping heart and the sunshine in your eyes”.Okay,so this is what I am telling myself tonight,part of my mental health battle has been the acceptance but on the flip side I have learnt it does not define me-dreamer,ballerina,daughter,friend,blogger,I am still all these things.

I am going to apologise in advance for being absent from my blog for a few weeks, honestly I have felt a part of me missing because this is my home, it has been for nearly two years and I believe I have grown as a person on here, I have also faced a few fears, I did not deliberately choose to ignore this home of mine, it is just I have been busy with work related issues, been heartbroken (yes again!), been down and my pill makes me tired most nights.

Tonight is a cold night, well my bones feel cold, this could be for two reasons, one it am coming down with something or two, it is cold out, I am thinking both as I have been running hot and cold. This is being created in my bed, I have youtube playing on in the background, I chose to play “Riptide” by Vance Joy as I heard this amazingly unique busker in the mall today singing, the words really made me smile, I literally smiled and felt I was glowing, you see it takes a special man to make me feel this way these days.

Ah, there I said it, only two (or so) paragraphs in and men, yes men! Right so it is my fault, I am on the dating site so this is where I meet them, but I find if I am not on there, I do not come in to contact with many men so this has been the way (an unsuccessful way might I add) for me for the last couple of years on and off. I am just like many others (both men and women) that sit lonely at the computer hoping that a special person will just walk into my life, take me as I truly am and love me, mmm.

You know what happened, yet again I saved this and just came back to it, so my pieces are bits added here and there, this is the way my mind has been lately, actually maybe my whole life.

image
Another photograph of me in PINK

So much to say, many things I have to face and do, one day at a time right? I keep saying that but I want to plan ahead, see a future, despite I know, planning ahead can lead in disappointment, increase anxiety and add to more worries or for me, add extra chores. Though in saying this, I need to think of my future, I have to really get myself back in to a better frame of mind as I am getting older.

Yes age does scare me, well in the sense ummm hmmm perhaps this will better explain it: I got to know a guy who was early twenties (me well close to thirty!), he made me feel beautiful, I felt special, that was until things fell to pieces. Now this guy travelled to meet me, yes the first guy ever like ever, he booked a hotel and everything, met him at the airport, oh it was a dream, so how come now it is not you ask?

Continuing on…Well this guy whom I have not yet come up with a nickname is incredibly handsome, very powerful and is popular, he is also a big history buff and an old soul, you see, parts of him made me feel insecure, like I was not good enough despite him being amazed by me. I think I judged him.

Now when a guy cries it is a good thing, well for me it is, it makes me feel that he actually liked me. This has happened twice, yes once to the guy back in January and this recent guy, both incredibly nice but perhaps the wrong guys for me. Actually maybe nice is not the word but I really cannot say too much bad.

The thing that made this recent guy cry was seeing my handwriting, I showed him it and he got teary, this then resulted in him being embarrassed and apologising, which then resulted in me crying and realising this was it. I kept the piece of paper Mr Recent wrote in and the photographs of our time together, sadly this will be just a passing moments in time as he is totally ignoring me, yes after my immature texts and calls and his promises then broken ones, we are now not close.

Anyway so the weeks have passed, I have gained quite a bit of weight (comfort eating), people have noticed, I feel pregnant, now I do not want to whinge as I can only change this issue, yes I think after abusing my body it is time to work out a plan, I was once anorexic, then obese, then a model weight then…anyway I have got to love myself instead of tormenting myself.

I think I need to become a beauty therapist, after ten years I am going to try again I need to look into courses that are funded so I can have some support and believe in myself, I had hoped my time in Melbourne would have been where this would have happened for me but obviously it was not meant to be right…maybe now?

Yes I wander, I still sometimes go to the city, but now it is becoming boring, I mean, I need to change things, try new things, visit different places, see people I do not see every other day…my dear psychologist and mother agree.

Talking about psychologists, I will soon have TWO! I know, can I freak out yet?! The reason to this is due to my severe OCD, my nurse has found me a psychologist that specialises in the treatment for OCD, if not, my nurse has also mentioned hypnosis, why, well she has had patients swear by these two, now this nurse knows her thing!

Oh my gosh, it is finally SPRING here in Adelaide! I had to write the season in capitals, actually in saying this, this coming week going to be Wintery weather, hello OCD! I am aching to play with flowers, create new bouquets, perhaps buy some and plant in the many many empty pots we have here at the front of the house. So many people I can tell a happy with the weather getting warmer, yes out come the skirts and bright colours and pretty sandals.

My dear friend Peter up in Queensland has the most beautiful flowers , plants and garden ever and I mean ever, I have some images saved as screen savers and backgrounds. My friend knows to send me pretty pictures of them when I am feeling down.

I still cringe when I think of Melbourne, strangely I still have not been back since I moved, I cannot bring myself to visit nor do I feel the need to I have lived there, been what it is like, I feel in my heart I need to make somewhere else my home and not Adelaide! Yes, this means starting all over again but I did it once, however I cannot till I am stable.

Something that makes me feel good is when people recognise me, when I have made a good impression, this has happened twice, yes the talented musician I mentioned a while ago from Rundle Mall, anyway twice (yes one day after another) he smiled and said hello from afar, you see, something as small as that means more to me than anything. Thank you Chris for making me feel good about me as I walked lonely to the bus stop!

Oh another thing , sorry for the jumbled pieces…my nose is still hurting after I literally smashed it a while ago as I lifted my head up from the ground, I move it and it makes a slight nose, plus when I wash my face it is slightly sore, my doctor checked it but I think I may get an X-ray just to be on the safe side.

Lately I have become a bit emotional again, apart from when I see babies and couples, I also feel sorry for anyone that has some form of disability (though I always have), now I want to help people even more so, here we complain sometimes but there is always someone out there that is worse off. Whenever I feel down though, something makes me something that makes me feel grateful for what I have got and who I am, I also have been seeing white butterflies lately.

I still want to do more for mental illness, to share my story, answer questions and create speeches for groups, I feel I have to, I have in choice. There are things in life we are destined to do, this is one of them things for me, well just one but one massive one!

Dreading the next few days, family thing after family thing and big chore days…just got to take time out to smell the fresh air and flowers right? It is sad when seeing family can be so nerve wrecking, yet seeing strangers is more comforting to me, this sounds horrible, like I am a mean hearted girl but it is just I am strangely not as close to them.
However, one gathering will be interesting as three of my relatives went overseas so I can see and hear hopefully some interesting and inspiring things.

Overseas, yes this is where I need to go, where I belong is another story! Part of me feels like I have to see the guy bake in January, he lives in London city and has formed his own company, how do I know this, well it had to Google him, I know, my bad.

Thank you for listening, I do miss many people on here and hope I hear from you!

<3
Miss Popette x

Smile At The Sunshine

04/08/2014

Me yesterday

Somedays I feel like I am that little girl,you know the little girl that has her hair all pretty but wants to just take it all out,dance silly and poke her tongue out…I want to remember what it is like to smile at the sunshine and forget about dating….I was once that girl.

So it has been a while since I have blogged and I am truly sorry for this, but it is comforting to know that people from around the world have still looked at my blog, it truly is my second family. I have said to myself that at night whilst I am laying in bed I would start writing, but mostly I doze off because of my antidepressants.

Nothing too exciting is happening, well something did happen that was a bit scary-on Thursday night I woke up to wanting a drink, I recall being sweaty and dizzy and my heart racing, I bent down to put on my ugg boots and must have smashed my nose and head on the cupboard…I then remember stumbling and eventually sitting on the ground, this is where there was blood that my mother ended up finding on Friday morning. It is still unclear why this all happened, the doctor asked a lot of questions and examined me, I will not lie, I am still a tad puzzled but glad it was what it was and nothing else happened.

On the flip side, I am applying for work, putting in my resumes into shops and sometimes anxious about it all, I miss being part of the retail world and dressing up, I get so lonely at times.

Dating,well I have hid my dating profile, I feel it has only left me more alone, more unsure of myself and insecure, my mother has noticed it only brings me down and those around me agree. Sure, I do feel more lonely without being online but I need to cope. Part of me has realised that it can be an ego thing, that the whole popularity of it all is what sickens me, I mean, seeing people make the “top 100″ is just so unappealing to me.

Sometimes I tell people,I feel old, I cannot compete with the younger girls anymore, I do not know what my mind thinks somedays. I accept who I am and know I am blessed to be alive, the thing is I am starting to think these antidepressants are stuffing up my mind. The other day I walked into what is a younger ladies store and bought myself a short one piece jumpsuit, I was looking in the mirror realising that this is what the younger crowd wears and really did not care-sometimes I just let go.

Last night I let go of a lot, I ate Hungry Jacks, a packet of biscuits and then a sandwich, I guess I just did not care what was going into my body, I wanted to just eat my sorrows away. My body often pays for how I am feeling.

There goes my alarm, it is time for me to face the world, I really would rather stay in bed, I think I need a whole days rest. It is so nice to finally have some sunshine here in Adelaide, I am almost shocked! The forecast is basically clear, this means I could tidy my garden but refusing to do so till later on in the week, I have become sick and tired of it all.

Do you ever get nervous stepping out of bed?…

<3

Miss Popette x