Sitting on the cold dusty dirty floor,thoughts run wild through my mind,why is this world so cruel but people think it is so kind.I have OCD,it is a nightmare daily,all I think is I am going crazy.I don’t remember the girl who didn’t have a care,I think life has become so unfair.I open my heart to nature and just try to go with it…
Saturday morning-chocolate milk has been consumed,a can of furniture polish has been used,I have Katy Perry blaring and yes I am sitting on the floor wanting to run away. I has another one of those mornings, you know the ones where you almost dread or get scared about having to step out of bed and face the day and night, me well this has become a frequent thing the last few months, actually the past few weeks have become worse. I do not feel like my day will go to plan or I will have enough time let alone energy to do what needs to be done, I cram too much in then break, well actually I break before I even start!
This may sound so silly to some but to me I cannot understand how after a whole can of polish has been consumed, why does the dust come back?! Tomorrow will be Sunday and my challenge is NOT to polish or clean my garden, challenging I know but literally, who honestly cleans that much? The logic in me knows I can leave it for one day, the OCD in me freaks out and gives in, but I cannot tomorrow. I would love to take a bus trip somewhere far away from my local area which many refer to as a ‘bad’ area, I was thinking Ikea but I only went there a few weeks back and Rundle Mall bores me and I am NOT a beach girl so that leaves little to do here, oh well, got to make our own fun right?
All this talk about polishing is making me even more anxious, I will change the subject. Sooooo I shaved my legs, yes, I know you are probably thinking what the right, yes well for me, after two days I become all prickly (think a medium toothbrushes bristles!), perhaps it is the European heritage that makes me this way? Anyway, this was really not something I had to share nor will change anyone’s life, I guess I was pondering about it today and thought I felt like a toothbrush. Reading this back, it actually sounds funny.
It is Christmas time, well it has been since the start of November here in Adelaide, why you ask, well the Adelaide Christmas Pageant was in the city then and since then there literally has been craziness, actually now it is even more so (obviously!) but still! I have seen people either be grumpy or happy and no in between, I do know one thing for sure, many of us out there dread it, why, one word: family.
One thing to another, I am sorry for this, basically this is how my mind goes these days, I just got to flow with it…
Yesterday afternoon was what I could describe as an unusual but uplifting experience, no I did not see a clown or a pig flying, but three things, oh wait, they say things happen in threes. Do I start the countdown?
One: I saw a yellow hat, okay so the yellow hat was the start of it all, why, well I catch two buses and this hat I saw on one then I saw a musician in the mall, well it turns out he is the lovely guy whom is sadly nearly blind I have asked if he needed help one time, yes I know! So what did I do, well I had a twenty dollar note but could not share it all so I bought some chocolate almonds (to break the note) and made sure I gave him some coinage, you see he was playing his guitar on the very lane way that connects on to the road I catch the bus from.
Two: The nurse named Lisa. This lady was incredibly bubbly and sweet, I just felt it. Now where I was wearing what resembled a “moo moo” and it got stuck under her skirt, yes I moved to let this lady sit next to me. Now whilst this lady was on the phone she mentioned to her friend the flowers I was holding, I was flattered, then we spoke…time went on, I saw her facebook account with her wedding pictures, shared our favourite colours and flowers, spoke of our relationships, yes, it was as if she was a best and true friend.
Three: Elegant elderly lady named Rhonda. After Lisa left Rhonda turned around (obviously I did not know her name at the time). “I swear you two knew each other!” was Rhondas comment that started an inspiring talk….we spoke of depression, creativity, life and moving, yes, after this, I truly felt great.
Prior to all this I bought my flowers from the beautiful Bec I have made friend with in an old vintage arcade called “Regent Arcade”. Bec is uplifting and spiritual, creative and has a big soul, yes, I go as often as I can! I truly have realised there are angels in disguise <3
The sad thing though is I felt even more alone after Rhonda got off the bus, all this kindness and I never felt more alone. The bus trips are something of comfort to me, I hope someone will take notice and talk to me, make me smile and I can share my story, I know, maybe I show do just catch the bus just for the reason of getting to my destination! I am also a chatterbox (as you can tell!!).
Oh my ex, yes he texted me, well I texted him, we spoke but the feelings are not there anymore, this is my ex fiancé I am talking about. Yes he still sounds the same, the guy I fell for but we spoke and I said how it has been far too long, that if single we would not be able to create a relationship again,he said he did not know but I know.
It is already ten pm Saturday night, legs need shaving tomorrow, why do we get hairy straight away?! The skies were pink with a slight grey through them, the grey I do not appreciate, it makes me realise there may be a storm on the way, yes me and my dear dog hate this weather. I spent some time outside with my dear dog and he was super cute, it was a tad warm so he stayed a bit under the veranda but as soon as I finish my sweeping and the broom goes down, he runs up to me for his hugs, this keeps me going, he is my world. I do though still miss my dear cat, I have not dreamt about her of recent and feel maybe that is her way of trying to let me go, I still think my dog misses his little best friend too. Now it is just me and jimmy it feels somedays, we both stare up at the sky sometimes I guess we are wondering a lot.
The nights are for sleep NOT thinking what needs to be washed and sanitized, right now I already have a list in my mind, my gosh. What is it like to wake up feeling dare I say “normal”? There is no such thing as normal I am forever told but surely there is a line!
When I was in the dining room last night, I was thinking , thinking about my OCD and if I am normal. My mother said to me “I can’t wait for the day…when you say come sit down with me”-she meant like when I just say stuff it to cleaning. The thing is I could just give in and clean today so tomorrow I do not but chances are I will so I may as well just leave cleaning for today…do I care anymore, NO, I want my life back!
Now I am going to change the subject, basically it is either OCD or men that take up much of my brain space these days. Oh wait, it is raining, why?! Sorry, got distracted.
Men men men…Why do I have to be the girl that men have to meet to realise they are not ready for a relationship, for them to see that they only want to play games and break hearts?! Here I am, I now abruptly text guys what they do not want to hear, yes yesterday I wrote to a guy ” I get the hint you are not wanting to keep in contact anymore” , hence no reply, mmm. This however coming from the guy who wants to be “friends”, blah blah. As I am getting older my heart is getting stronger in some ways, I get hurt by guys and it is almost like I expect it, like it just dors not come as such a shock anymore.
Just a drizzle, no rain. The house is so hot, I feel trapped. It is just the start of Summer, oh boy am I dreaming this one!
Perhaps I publish this instead of leaving it in drafts..
Miss Popette x