…are floating in my brain.I see my world from a view of a dusty attic-the dust is the mental illness I am battling and the attic is what contains it all.It is cold and lonely,not a nice place to be.I try and hide here but it does me no good…another broken piece to add.
On the bus I had these words float through me, this was oh gosh about nine ,no ten and a bit hours ago so I am rather anxious to type it all out. My bus trip was not the best, I mean, I was crying before I caught my bus and had to step outside my home, yes, I have learnt that despite the tears, sometimes we just got to be part of life and somedays just like my dear Prathima once said, it is okay to just cancel and stay home.
My gosh I miss her. Today was not that day. I did not stay home and let myself crumble even more, I applied my lipstick, out on a black and white colour themed look and went out, walked down the long road then round then corner and beyond to reach the bus stop and there I thought to myself why I was even bothering. Mum says this is the negative bad thoughts but I simply cannot over write them like I used to for a while when things were okay for me. Perhaps I am sinking without an anchor or life jacket.
What day is it?! Friday, you know what that is…The Friday Night Of Single Popette! Yes, my gosh. How many has that been Miss?! It is okay, I like being in my gigantic stretch undies and watching re runs of my favourite shows (actually I do!).
How funny, it is now Tuesday, yes, my blog goes unattended for days and I end up with posts that look like diary entries from a girl that is crazy. So what has been happening you ask? Well, severe weather has been taking über so I have dirty windows, balcony and a area around my house and garden that looks like someone has unleashed a few bins worth of leaves, papers and dog poo (yes you heard right!)-the winds have been that strong so being the season of Autumn, my garden had not chance and has suffered dramatically, which means I now have lots of cleaning up to do in a week or so when it stops raining! I am very sad as it is always wet now so no sunshine rays or anything to see, no cosy feeling anymore, Autumn brings sadness.
We received a phone call today (well mum did), the dreaded one from the clinic that is based in Melbourne that helps those battling some form of mental health issue in their life. The reason for this is the lady had a personal chat with mum and sorted out the costs etc and then will call me Thursday also. I am not jumping wound excitedly organising what cute pyjamas I will take or what photo frame I will put by the bed, is read I am thinking for the three weeks, who will clean the house and what will I come home to. I guess there are also fears of the actual process I will have to undertake, the pain I have to face and the people that will be in my face twenty-four seven. From what I assume, it looks like after four pm the sessions conclude so I have some time to myself which means I will basically be stuck in the hospital as it will then be dinner and too late to go out alone, I kind of am not liking this idea of being take to a place where I have to face my reality and nightmare.
Earlier on today I slipped in the shower and cracked my parents shower screen, yes, I am fortunate I did not do any body damage so maybe my guardian angel was watching over me, but it did shatter a lot so it looks shocking and the way it happened in an instant was frightening-I called mum but she did hear a loud bang and ran up the stairs, I was soaking wet and mum tried so hard to pick me up despite her injuries, mum was shaken whilst I was too confused or soemthing to understand. Now when I say “too confused” this means I am unsure what is happening anymore, why things happen and where I stand in life.
I have come to the conclusion that since I smashed my head that time last August during the night, I have been confused, well something does not feel right. I have addressed this but been told it is just my life and this and that but I am going to take a stance and demand a scan on my head as nobody can see what is inside, I can be cleared of a broken nose despite a horrible out of shape looking nose for a while , but there could be something damaged inside of me. On the flip side, mum agrees that the clinic will be the ones to properly diagnose me and change my medication,I feel I have been let down by health professionals along the way and if I have been misdiagnosed then this could be a new chapter in my life.
Sorry, I needed to get it out. We all get scared sometimes.
Oh my my, I forgot!!!! I went to Melbourne for a few days alone on Anzac Day, yes I flew out that morning and had a moments silence on the plane and ate a Anzac biscuit to share the spirit of the day. Now it got depressing-you know when you are single and you see couples going away together and you are clutching on to your orange juice and cookies thinking…oh wait, sorry that was me, but we all feel this too right?! Anyway, I did not enjoy myself this time, I felt lost, I really felt no buzz, ate a lot of food which was nice but I was unsure if this was the place I wanted to move to, if this place had soemthing I could offer, oh and of course I slipped on the same road I did when I was living there (yes Swanston Street!!!!) and badly scratched my left knee just like last time too, so I have realised that perhaps I need to stay away from that area. The one place I felt at home was Federation Square, I took my food, watched people go by, I was amongst it all….then the plane ride home ended my little smile.
Flights, biscuits, cracked shower screens, what else?…Kyne has disconnected his number, yes the day finally came where it had to happen, so all the comfort I would get for, hearing his voice message has now gone. I get that lonely that I try to keep one memory at least alive but it feels I am thrown dirt and dust back.
I know right now there is not a guy out there that is for me, he is waiting somewhere and he is special and I will see him one day, or so I keep telling myself. There was guy that got off the bus today at the same stop, and I was ready to cross the road he ran up to me to ask where he was to catch another bus to get to his suburb, I told him it was a short walk away, now he made me day and he had the sweetest smile and genuinely thanked me, I was taken back by such kindness and my my such a cute guy. If only <3…
There is something I want to share, I was told about a YouTube clip by a special person and will share it with all you special people. Now go and type in DREAM MOTIVATION VIDEO, this truly will make you think. I just sneezed so it must be true!
Miss Popette x