A Letter To My Insecure Mind

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Dear Miss Popette’s Mind,

You have scars,lumps,few grey hairs and tummy but this does not take away your beauty.How many times have you sat and cried,been too nervous to go on a date or the bus because of it all…people tell you weight comes and goes but it is the damage it has done to your mind that is the real issue…you are beautiful.You are.Yes you are Miss.

I have watched you smile, seen you fall, been there at your worst and watched you enjoy life, heard the harsh words you have spat at yourself and laughed when you make a joke. The world wants to see you happy. Yes it does. It really does.

You take pills and sit on a psychologists chair once a fortnight but this does not make you crazy or weak, instead it makes you a stronger girl and you are going through this so you can help others. You are brave. Yes you. You are your own tower of strength.

There are good days and bad, happiness and sadness, the sun sets and it rises, you have enjoyed some happier times and been courageous through the hurt. You are worthy Miss. Life is for you. You can do it.

<3
Your Heart

This post was something I needed to write, I have the weakest mind at the moment, I feel lost and I am always finding ways to judge myself so I thought if I let my heart pour out maybe it may help me. These words are not just for me but for you all, the truth is we all hurt and laugh, we rise and fall but through it all we are human, we are alive…this is a gift. Now, due to the flowers and the colour PINK found in this quote, I simply had to chose this to be added to my blog, not to mention the positivity on the words! <3

Post Script: It is now the first day of Autumn, everyone is home and it feels stressful-I have cleaning to do and to ask for help I feel guilty like I am to feel unworthy. My ocd gets in the way yes, but I wish some people just knew what it was like and could wave a wand and ease my mind for a day at least.

Sinking Mind

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“I am going to be strong,I have to be,I cannot let you get the best of me”… Depression,it is the empty vase waiting for the flowers,something pretty could be there but it is empty…the sunflowers drooping when the sun is shining…it is sitting on the couch clutching your hair…looking up at the sky when all you see is the clouds not the sun shining through after a storm.

Lately I have been feeling as though I am sinking, and no, I am not walking on the sand or in a tub of icecream (oh gosh, now I want to eat some icecream…bad idea!), I just have had these thought and emotions wash over me. The thing is aside from the weight thing, and the men thing and okay stop whinging Miss Popette, I feel as though I am sometimes on another planet, as though I have split seconds where I feel like I am invisible to all human life, like I do not count. Actually I go through this emotion a lot, no wait, I mean feeling.

Feelings, emotions and behaviour, these are three big things, they all effect one another but they do not have to, okay, so this is what I have been told…I am going to share something I believe, now we can feel sad and in our head it may say thus and that but we can still choose to act positive, to go for a walk, pick a flower, smile, yes our behaviour is our own choice but the rest we cannot help what our minds sometimes say and how we feel.

Enough counselling well therapy for today, I kind of am over it-one session last week and until my next, can we not talk about it anymore, you know how it is.

Sorry this seems to be a depressing post, I think my mind is empty but I miss posting though I feel this piece of mine really is not worth publishing. However, I felt the need to get some emotions out and since I use this as a sort of diary for me, I think I did what I had to do.

I will try to steer away from the unhappy for now and write some more, it is 5:39 am Tuesday now, I slept but feel like I need a days more sleep, how many of us need this right?!

Anyway, so yesterday was an interesting day, besides eating subway after so long of not eating it , I met three people that kind of made my day (in a way).

Bus Gentleman: This kind guy was waiting for the bus, despite being there before me, when the bus arrived he waved to let me get on first, I feel bad and told him that he had been waiting before me so he should go and I politley thanked him to which he thanked me, anyway, not like I got his number or anything, but it was nice-reassured me there are gentleman out there.

Toilet Lady: So I was lining up for the toilets and this lady started speaking to me and smiled, an actual genuine bubbly smile. I found out she was on a ” awkward date” but still seemd happy, turns out the guy she knew from many years ago amd he travelled to see her, sweet right? This lady just made me smile in a way, not sure why.

The Florist: Now, I am not entirely sure if this girl was an actual florist but it was where I ended up purchasing some flowers for myself from. We got taking about men, life and it all amd both realised we were a bit different to others, to which this lady said ” we are going places”-yes, simply all I needed to here, I admired her for this.

There we go, sometimes some people walk into our lives for a reason. On the flip side, I went to the book store I frequent and yet again no smiles, no hellos, yes the staff see me there and treat me like a stranger. Time for a new store I think.

I think I will publish this now, I am feeling rather nauseous this morning amd got that yukky headache.

<3
Miss Popette x

Positive Petals

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Dear Clarabelle, I adore your blog for all it is and this post I simply had to reblog, just wish the flower was PINK 😉. I think us humans spend so much time on the negatives, and just to say what we are grateful for can be hard sometimes, but I believe we should. <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Clarabelle:

dark blue flower

Look at the picture of the beautiful blue flower above and for each petal that is on this flower, I want you to think of something you are grateful for.  Let’s do this together, my answers are in brackets below.

Petal 1.  I am grateful for…..(my wonderful health and wellbeing.)

Petal 2.  I am grateful for….(my determined spirit.)

Petal 3.  I am grateful for…(my positive attitude.)

Petal 4.  I am grateful for…(my amazing supportive family and friends.)

Petal 5.  I am grateful for…(my grateful heart.)

If you wish you can change it up a little, you can let each petal represent something positive that is happening in your life right now, here’s another example:

Petal 1:  I am so happy that my marathon training is going to plan and I love how my fitness levels are improving.

Petal 2:  I am so delighted that I…

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My Mind, My Enemy

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“I look at your eyes, you look at mine, little do you know,the pain I hide inside. I suffer from an illness,many hold as stigma, although I want to think of myself as a special enigma”. By Miss Popette

Who is a little poet this Tuesday evening? No, just me doing my thing-sometimes I hear the words flood through my brain and I hav to write them and other times I am devoid of all thoughts. I have always been one to dabble in poetry, but I am also one to rid of it all, yes, my many scrap pieces of paper with poems etched in and flower drawings are gone, though at least I have a few on my posts that I have created in the last few years of being on here.

I never thought my enemy would be my mind, in high school it was the bullies, then my chubby body, now this.

Tonight I am not feeling so good, actually today was a bit of a yukky one for me, as my previous post said I have been a total miss lazy bones and due to well ladies you know, I have been a miss grump grump too, actually that has totally sucked. Anyway so what did I do, well I caught a bus, ate sushi rolls (prawn, tuna and chicken schnitzel flavours to be exact), bought a light pink Damask pattern piece of fabric (to use as a sort of decorative piece on my wooden window sill) and came back home, yep super short trip, then I had some codeine pain killers that totally made me feel as though I was somewhere else, actually still feeling this way!

Occasionally I Youtube music, well music and Saturday Night Live sketches and anybody I have a crush on-one was a gentleman from Downton Abbey, oh his accent! ☺️
Now I do not have a crush on Rhianna, no, but adore her music so thought ‘Diamonds’ was a good song to play when I am half drowsy on pills and out of it, sad I cannot enjoy it as much feeling this way.

Dating, well not exactly, online dating, okay why did I say what I said, well this two are completely different terms to me. Now the whole online thing is a different world, apart from the fact so many hide there, it seems to only bring me to a mobile relationship-yep you heard it. The exchanging of the numbers, the swapping of photographs and the chats that go nowhere get me down, but how else do I meet my guy, well aside from the chatting up over the chocolate ailse, wait, this never has happened!

Thirty is approaching, no not thirty doughnuts with …mmm yum…I mean the age, the number, oh the anxiety! By this age if you had asked me a this aged twenty-one I would have wanted to have been settled by now, this the changed a few years ago after I broke off a sort of engagement with my ex. I call him my ex fiancé as he proposed but there was no actual plans, we were young, free and anxious, yes, the mental demons damaged us. Maybe it is the codeine that is making my mind here and there, or maybe I just need to rant.

Sorry a day has passed, we are now on Wednesday evening. I tend to do this. Some of the above I wrote when I was half drowsy on pills and early hours of the morning so I apologise in advance!

Where do I start and what do I say? Well one I have a lovely (NOT!!!) patch of sunburn on my back amd neck, you know the whole circle look and my face is darker and dry, yes, I tried to tend to the garden but saw leaves later on etc so it really did not actually do me any good, but this is nature, it happens-leaves will fall, OCD will rise!

Anyway enough about the leaves, I ate a packet of smarties, tons of sliced bread and coke, I just feel like I am eating my worries away, but then I get even more larger hence more worries. What happened to the girl that would go walking…eat salads…smile…dress up..could see light at the end of the tunnel?

How do I pick up the pieces and move forward?

Sorry, it is now Saturday night, gees time goes so fast…Yes, age thing, I am becoming paranoid everyday! I think I am so low in self esteem that this has become another fear of mine.

My mind right now is jumbled, if it is not thinking about the dust, it is the garden that literally I have not cleaned up all week and if it is not this it is the scary weather we will be receiving the next few days . 😔 OCD, when will you buzz off?!

I saw my psycholgist yesterday, it went well, better than what I thought, yes, I think we all think the worse right?! We have devised a plan, a simple one, to get me back to doing a bit again as I am going back through depression, yes it is unfair, why do we have to go through this thing we get labelled as?!

Depression to me is sad, I know, that sounds silly but it is what I say, I actually also think it is lonely, like that word in itself describes it all. So many of us feel lonely, even in a room we are alone, or on a bus, to me I become more paranoid to be around people and I hate this as I went through this and came out in a positive light but now back in that tunnel.

Something interesting came out of my session yesterday, I amswered that “cleaning does not make me happy”, now this may sound tiny and not much but I am openly admitting how much I am feeling to this man, I hope he can help me, I really do.

Turns out the clinic I was mentioning never received the fax, I do not think the receptionist did her job, so here we were waiting weeks for an answer, anyway, maybe it is for the best, I mean, I am totally nervous about it now.

Time to publish I think, I am genuinely sorry I have not been online visiting blogs, I will do, just give me time.

<3
Miss Popette x

Embarassing Is…

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…sweating with a full on ‘sweat moutache’ in a beauty store to which the sales assistant said “I understand,I get it too,the hormone changes”-menopause,I was mistaken for a menopausal lady.Add to this,telling a guy he looked familiar to which he replied he was from interstate…yes,got to love life and the characters we meet along the way!

Okay so got to totally embarrass myself, gentleman cover your ears, ladies you know what I am talking about..yes, the time of the month where we crave chcolate and cry…yep, I sweat terribly! Gross!

That was my Monday and they were the characters that played a role in day that helped shape this post. The thing is you never know who you are going to meet or what is going to happen, one thing though I know is dogs will bark, yes my dear Jimmy is annoyed with my new neighbours I think…all I am saying is if it was Big Brother, Jimmy would surely evict them. The neighbours seem fine but the slightest noise and my poor dear is up and about, he is a very light sleeper. 😘

In all fairness, the guy that I swear I had seen before really did look like someone I knew, the fact that he seemed super sweet when he put the thingy that dividies the groceries up amd the fact that he was handsome just made it all that easier..cheeky me right! Like I said above, this guy was not from here and had no clue who I was, but, even the check out operator told me the same thing amd we both thought he was familiar. Maybe in future reference should we call this guy Mr Shopping Divider Thingy Green-eyed guy? Noo, sounds terrible! 😳

I did step outside my comfort zone today and ate at a Greek restaurant in a lovely part of the city alone, I had to Google the name of the meal first before ordering then embarrassed myself when telling the waiter I googled, hey I do not know Greek alright ;) Delicious, I throughly enjoyed my pasta bake with side salad, what I did not enjoy was the lonely feeling teamed with the anxious feeling of people watching me eat (since gaining lots of weight, I find eating in public humiliating).

You see I never sit down in nice retataurants or cafes, usually I rush my meal in a food court or something and away I go, I guess I am not one for these type of places unless it is a special occasion or if asked for a romantic date (which is never anyway!). Yes I love beautiful things and places but never been one to feel comfortable at certain places, rather a burger or pasta meal where I can stretch out with my newspaper or watch the world go by instead of starring at a chandelier (sorry mum and dad, you have one in your lounge room that I should have dusted and is filthy!!) or an abstract piece of art.

There is soemthing I want to talk about, a thing that bothers me. Having , well battling with my mental health (hate saying mental illness!!) makes me feel guilty, I see people with missing arms and those that are homeless amd here I am whinging, yes I feel that. I realise that there is always going to be someone worse off but out battle are still our battles and the guilty associated with this distresses many. I am saying this because I saw a young man missing his right arm trying to hold a book, I instantly got watery eyed but tried not to make this obvious.

Sorry, a little tired tonight and my brain really is not working. I want to say another big thank you again to my blogging family, yes I call you my family and try to go through as many posts I can and leave comments etc, I apologise if some of you do not always hear from me, have not forgotten you! 💕

Time to publish, wow so short!

<3
Miss Popette x

Update: Tuedsay morning,the plan was to paint my nails, clean my garden and polish my house as the house is literally full of dust and my garden -looks atrocious but I am not, yes I battle severe OCD but not even I can mentally handle doing this today, I feel like a failure not like I am overcoming it, I just think because I am home alone tomorrow I can go at my own pace and get things done, plus I can have a day at home, so today think I will try to face the city instead, maybe look at fabrics and crafts? Though yes, my house looks terrible and those that would see this would think I have not done anything in about two weeks! It is dusty due to wind and air conditioning vents leaving dust and my garden, well nature takes its course. I feel like a worthless lazy useless lady.

Dear Mind,

“Why do you hate me and torture me the way you do,when I am feeling down,you are the reason for me feeling blue.I sit on psychologists chairs and pop pills,many days I feel like I am running around on a big loopy wheel.I never hurt you,but you hurt me,it is almost like,you have complete control over me”. By Miss Popette

I just wrote the above literally in less than a minute, when I have emotions roaring inside of me it is amazing what it can do. Laying in bed I have many emotions- anger, fear, sadness, comfusion and hurt to name a few, I will add in hungry but I have ate enough today already.

This morning was the opposite of yesteday, I found myself up extra early, well not much but for a normal person a Sunday is a restful day, not for me, I was up and half asleep, tried to rest but the anxiety kept lifting my body until I could not take anymore and stepped on foot on the ground to my fluffy ugg boots and away I went. Despite having tidyed up my garden it is a mess at both the back and front, as for my house, well it is dusty, yep, why do I bother, the answer…OCD. I hate it.

Tomorrow morning I am forbidden to do much, I need to sit which this anxiety and not tend to my house or garden till Tuesday, yes one day and night, I will keep this and wait till Tuesday, no lying, it will not be easy but my body needs a rest and literally this is not healthy. I need to take control of my eating and weight, the cleaning is nothing in comparison to what damage I have done to my once petite body.

OCD OCD OCD…when will you damn well leave me?!

It is a loosing battle but my hope is trying to shine through, I do have a plan for the rest of the year and I want to be in a better place for this is unfair. Adelaide has destroyed me and I have not one per cent of confidence in myself at the moment. When I am out I think about what people are thinking of me and how I am embarrassed, but the truth is, I do not care, I am me, but somehow my mind has the stupid unfair power over me.

Right now I can hear many many birds flying over me, well I am in my bedroom but you know what I mean, I can just imagine Jimmy 🐶 outside looking up at the sky wanting to catch them all…oh how dear this dog is to me. 💖

Sorry, I get sidetracked a lot.

Part of me right now wishes I had a plane ticket but I have no idea the destination. Now, if this was a day dream I would say France but if I had to be realistic that freaks me out as I do not know where I belong. Australia wise, well it would be Melbourne, actually this depresses me as I was once there are look, I made a mistake and came back…just need to know where I belong, where does Cate need to be? If you ask me this at certain times, I would answer with the word Kyne, yes the guy that left me for London, but I just think it is because he was the last guy that I met that truly made a lasting impact on me. The notion of surprising him on his doorstep (which I have no idea is where!) sounds romantic and dreamy but logically ahhh NO!

I am going to share a recent photograph of me, then a few others as this is my diary, an open book and these images once make me happy and Kyne knew of them.

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😢 Me and Kyne were posing for the camera, I know, sounds cheesy but it was sweet. By doing this I think I am saying to the world I did love this man but now I need to move forward, there is a gentleman out there for me, I just need to be ready when he falls for me. 💑

Sorry this post was jumbled like a messy box of crayons but I think I needed to just get a bit out of me. You know last night was a lovely night, I was able to message a very kind blogger friend and I heard from new people and had new blogger followers, I felt connected to life again, so thank you all with all my heart and soul, I really mean it. 😘

<3
Miss Popette x

Update: House smells of smoke as had air conditioner on, there is some smoke activity going on in my area, maybe a fire due to the heat? Why again?!!!!

Beauty and Strength

Valentine's Day 2015

Today I planned to stay home,I thought that seeing since it was a day of love and being single,I felt like I would shut the world out,but I did not and in doing so,a few things inspired me…I smiled at life and chose to believe I have a right to be part of the world.

I am sorry, I think I need to get some more emotions out, I know many of my posts must get super duper annoying or perhaps they are relatable? I am hoping the latter! For me this blog gives me a purpose, I need to write and always have, I cannot not bear being without books, newspapers, blogs, basically anything I can read!

Anyways back to today, actually a few hours ago…

So there I was, sitting on my cold tiled corridor floor trying anxiously to apply my make up whilst trying to stretch out my already stretched out but super duper tight cardigan and top, not to mention the pants! Yes, a heatwave and I chose to layer myself with many attire! In doing this I ended up sweating, yes I had a sweat moustache! 😱

Visiting one of my favourite places served me well, yes, dear Bec 😘 from a lovely shop in an arcade in Adelaide City let me literally rummage through many buckets of flowers and plants with her special scissors -I got to cut and choose many, actually I admit I went crazy and I think I bought the whole store! Roses, lillies, natives, carnations, oh the list goes on..yes, it was like heaven. I decided on the ones I featured in the image above. Upon walking out I felt good, though sometimes I felt like a lonely soul as I was single and you know how it goes sometimes.

After my adventure of rummaging through a forest literally of flowers I went to my bookshop, well not mine but you understand. It was here I picked up a book and read something, a quote actually that made me literally stop and think, I must share it with you all now:

“Everything passes away-suffering,pain, blood, hunger, pestilence. The sword will pass away too, but the stars will remain when the shadows of our presence and our deeds have vanished from the Earth. There is no man who does not know that. Why, then, will we not turn our eyes toward the stars? Why?” by Mikhail Bulgakov.

This quote I want to live by, I want to keep it in my mind and remember the day I found it. You know when you find a quote that you love to pieces amd you have to share it..well this is one from me to you, well from Mikahail to me to you, though this was from many lifetimes ago and just reached me today!

On a final note before I publish this, I wanted to say to all the singles out there, do not feel sad or alone, I know this feels impossible at times, yes it does, but there is someone special waiting for you, to meet you and be part of a new journey, the thing is, the timing has to be right. I am saying this as I believe it.

<3
Miss Popette x

P.S. Have to add extra hugs and kisses to you all!!!! 💕

P.P.S. I can hear the neighbours yelling,saw some police cars too, not sure what is going on, but feeling anxious and cannot rest, thankfully I have some beautiful people on here to talk to! x 😘

Single Chocoholic..Watch Out Men!

Funny Valentines Day Quote

The closest I will get to my valentine is watching YouTube,yes the embarrassing crush I have on a piano player!My dog will get a big cuddle (and tons of cute biscuits!!)whilst I eat a box of chocolates (or two!!) wearing my super sexy (sarcatsic!!)stretch granny nightie and think about a guy millions of miles away.

Yes, it is nearly that time of year, the time I dread, well actually Christmas and Easter I add to the list but this is the saddest, the lonliest and honestly, the best time to buy chocolate, have you looked at how they discount and make it all pretty?! Hello weight gain!

It is making me anxious, even today after a week of being depressed I went out, yes, the first place I walked through had tons of cards, men, yes men only I saw looking at the Valentines Day section, actually there was only one occasion advertised and this was it . It was terribly cute looking at these men, I was thinking who the lucky partners were and why they loved them, you know, as I am getting older, I am really trying to see all aspects of love. Please forgive the tearful emoticon. 😥

No, do not cry Miss Popette! Okay, just a few and have a cho olate cheer yourself up..wait no, have a packet of Smarties with the pretty PINK colours! 🍫

Yep chocolate. lOVE YOU! 😘

Now, to my recent life…

Two days ago I stepped stepped outside my house, it felt a little nerve wrecking having done so after spending four days at home. You see, when at home, I have things under control and I can just wear daggy clothes, no make up or tight bhra (yes embarassing!) and I can always rely on my dog to make me smile. It was my mother that forced me out the door today, due to my ocd I need to always have my cleaning essentials, so my mother stood by my side and helped me face the world, sad to say this when I was once walking down prestigious Collins Street in melbounee during busy work mornings with my head held up high or dragging my shopping trolley smiling at passers by.

I bought fabric. There we go, my Tuesday morning, there I was excited about seeing so many designs plus a sale was on, like hello! My heart was set on a light pink Oriental design but sadly it was out of stock, yes I totally arranged this last night you see and thought that this was coming home with me, but I ended up with a darker shade though it is still quite pretty if I say so myself. Now I am unsure where my obsession with all things this style has come from, but I do narrow it down to a few things: my love for the colour PINK, a stall that I would always visit at The Queen Victoria Markets and well simply because I am a collector of special items and not into following the lastest pineapple design craze! I tend to be particular and not one to be pushed into liking the new look, (if that makes any sense?).

Right, so I have new fabric in my chair, a bag of cleaning supplies that better last me till the end of the week (they will not!!) , a bunch of new toys for my dearest baby dog Jimmy- chicken leg, piece of meat and hot dog all that he had fun with trying to balance on each other this afternoon, and a really really sore cut under under my lip which was I think a cold sore that I peeled off the skin..super gross! All in all, I am happy I am breathing…amd Jimmy should, well, be asleep not barking!

Okay, now that was a few days ago, my cleaning supplies are way way way down and I faced the world again today, a tad nerve wrecking but I felt liberated. 👛 Sorry, the emoticon was too cute not to use!

On the bus to the city I texted a few people, one of which was my mother telling her how I was feeling and how much I felt shocked that I was actually out and also how nervous I felt. Now to my mother (and me) this is hard to process as my previous Melbourne life was not anything like this (okay, sometimes), Adelaide has truly sucked the life right out of me.
I know that I have to make the most of my life here and now, these will be times I inly wish I could have as I get older and look back on.

There is something I cannot understand still, why matters of the mind have to be so depressing. All these labels people get called and pills taken, yes we are much more acceiting perhaps of others but still I feel alone somedays.

I enjoy listening Miley Cyrus, sorry had to add that in, I am addicted to the song We Can’t Stop! The line that Miley sings:
“To my home girls here with the big butt
Shaking it like we at a strip club
Remember only God can judge ya
Forget the haters ’cause somebody loves ya”
…cheers me up. Yes, I have a very big bottom, I am voluptuous and once it was adored, well like fifty or so years ago, that era seemed to respect curvaceous ladies and there was a certain class to a lady. Anyway, maybe I should just stop,enough of my sooky nature for tonight.

The last few days have seen me so grateful, I have a few new followers that are joining my journey as I am theirs, I genuinely try and read posts and comment, I feel like we are all a family and I just want to say I am here of anyone needs a shoulder to lean on.

<3
Miss Popette x

Update: So the day has arrived and I am feeling a tad down, leaving my super dusty house and incredibly messy garden full of leaves, bark and everything in between plus my nails are not painted, I am just going to face it all tomorrow amd stay home Sunday, so today will go shopping for a few lady products and buy myself some PINK flowers, I know, today is the day of love but I really dislike the colour red!! It is terrible to say that I have to put a brave face in but I have to, I feel my mental health like my weight is just spinning wildly out of control and I have to stop this and really start to love Cate again. A big kiss and hug to all the singles out there. 😘💕

Feb 11: Photo Quote of the Day

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Upon my searches I found this super cute post that was created by a lady that ended up being found by a beautiful follower of mine, Paulette. A big thank you to both you ladies for bringing this to my eyes-I adore my teddy bear and honestly I make sure he is next to me! Much love always, Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Loads of Something:

Valentines Teddy Bear Quote When everyone else has let you down, there’s always Ted.
- Clara Ortega

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