The World I See and Feel…

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I tremble…sometimes frown on the bus…break down in the shower.I have dreams of being the ballerina and free spirit in a field of flowers,not carrying out rituals for my OCD and pushing the world of daydreams aside.

It seems every post is about the OCD hell I am living, I am sorry, I guess this is really the only thing in my life, I have no special man in my life, dating well no, have not created any new floral arrangements or found an inspiring place to mention…I am just under the care of a doctor that gives me pills, a psycholgist that pits my life infront of me on a white board and parents that worry about me. I guess all this takes it toll sometimes, to say I try and be brave makes me sound like a drama queen as this is like a mind nightmare and there are people sadly passing of illnesses as we speak, but OCD is an illness and it comes from anxiety, oh gosh, just the word makes me tense. I feel a lot of guilt when I know I come across as though I am trying to feel sorry for myself.

Oh wait, something did happen….A guy and his friend got on the bus, okay he walked past few and looked at me to say “You’re looking beautiful today…standing ovation”…now, if he was not high and drunk I would have felt a tad better, but then later he tried to get my number amd I declined,the funny thing was my mother was sitting two rows behind me, why, well the seats were dirty and I sat infront ,so mum heard everything the guys were saying, it was like a comedy show…these guys had no idea we were family. Then wait for it…another guy I have been teating is like the kind of dating sites and is on as many as he can be, me, just one and it is not even worth it!

So what do I do, I play music on YouTube and try and block out that thought that will rule my whole night and morning, though it will still be there, it will ruin the words and make me even more distant from the actual song. There was a time when my mind was much more stronger, but since last year, I see it has deteriorated, but I am trying with all this help I am fortunate to receive. I guess the biggest step will be hospital in a few months, oh.

The session yesterday with Tom went okay, I bought mum in for support, you see, right now, I need a support I can bring in,it just is sometimes too much for me so I need another mind with me to take it all in. There is a lot I need to work on, Tom has made it clear that first we were addressing anxiety and OCD but now it seems depression has been added to the mix, yuk right!

Yep, so I am going trought the classic depression symptoms: comfort eating, social withdrawal, tiredness  and a general lack of care about things, oh and even flowers do not make me smile as much anymore. I guess  it is okay to take time out from a routine but not for too long, hence , my garden is actually atrocious and needs attention! Tomorrow is a new day, I think I will have to devote time to the garden and my dear Jimmy, this dog is truly my life. To add to this, sadly my dad is selling his birds, one is half blind and yes, I really hate this idea, I will be outside tomorrow hearing them happy then the day after goodbye my dears, no no no…NO!!!! I have no choice, they are already sold, I feel dead inside.

The above has reinstated my fear of loosing those I hold dear, yes they may just be birds to some but to me they represent life, nature, all the things I need…I really feel guilt, like they will be in a new home thinking of us and why they are…In my heart, animals are so special and I am a nurturer.

Thank you with all of my heart for listening to me, it means so much, more than you could ever ever ever literally imagine.

<3

Miss Popette x

Off Comes The Mask…

image“I wish wish my face would be a mask that could tell the whole world I am okay,instead of showing my ocd,depression and fears.My mask may be off but I am beautiful…I cannot let this hide my real beauty nor miss life”…

So I am sitting writing this, well actually laying on my bed with pain on my face lyes the amount of washing has damaged my skin and I am looking ten years older. I can hear the cars go by as I live on a busy road and think that these people must be visiting places or perhaps travelling, maybe they are lonely and went to go buy a burger…who knows right. I have stomach skin peeling off, yes, that is how dream my body has become…sorry, silly place to add this!

Today I received news from dad that the clinic I have been so dreading is a bit busy, busy in fact that I am on a waiting list and will most probably be admitted in June or July, now I think it may be a month and a half stay,yes no holiday! I know I need help, yes I admit I am ill and getting worser but I have not been in a mental ward since I was fifteen and that will be fifteen years next June, my gosh can you believe, the same month?! Actually, maybe it was July, all I know was I was in the ward for thirteen days and it was one of these two months, and while I was in, dad bought a new car and mum taped me episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and Big Brother.

Just took my pill, where is the happiness in this?! Mmm, something I need to talk to my doctor tomorrow about, then I will hear the comments about my weight and this and that, I think it is worse because I will be attending alone, gosh, I was able to hold my head up high many times, now because my self esteem is low amd I am on the wrong track, I cannot face this, let alone step into my local shopping mall, actually I hate my area.

This afternoon I watched a program that made me stop and smile, yes I smiled. No it was not about puppies or chocolates, instead it was the story behind a teenager that overcome a family situation and became a champion skateboarding champ. Okay no, I do not have dreams to start wearing a cap backwards and baggy pants, mmm not a good look, but I do have dreams of my own and it showed me how our strength at times and someone believing in us can actually change our lives, like literally. When my faith is down, I tend to forget the latter.
This was truly a beautiful story. Bless him. <3

It does not matter where we came from, some people are judged by money, race or place of birth, this sucks, there I said it, we are all human…we all have dreams! I live in a suburb that is constantly ridiculed for being the unemployment capital, where people just are lazy and nothing,this hurts as every place has its good and bad points and you know what, some people cannot help it, from a mental health perspective I know I cannot but do you think I enjoy being on Governement benefits and being judged?! I think there is always hope.

Jimmy!!!!! Yes he is on the go, this morning he was barking at odd hours, now tonight,I cannot hear any neighbours but maybe it is a cat or a shadow he sees…how I wish he would just cuddle asleep on his red blanket all cute and chubby. He is truly my world.

Monday sees me having to attend my psycholgist appointment, this make me nervous, like one after the other…After having a conversation with mum whilst waiting for a burger meal in drive through the other day, we. Have both decided I go back and see my original psycholgist Prathima. This comes after a lot of distress as I cannot handle seeing Tom, not because I dislike him,but aside from the fact I need to catch two buses to get there and Prathima is just down the road. It is that I had a connection with Prathima and I will have the clinic to help with the ocd and Prathima for my confidmece, anxiety and weight issues..I lost sixty kilograms whilst seeing her , now to my embarrassment, I am well forty five or so kilograms over weight for my health and double my size, no sorry, will not reveal my true weight.

I feel I am a failure.

A day later…yep, it is now Sunday evening, the sun is ready to set, jimmy seems to have snuggled tightly into his favourite red blanket and I can hear the Underbelly DVD repeating as dad has fallen asleep. I guess I have a bit more to add to this post, my gosh, I think my post could be turned into a chapter! Did you know I am close to five hundred and sixty posts!

The doctors appointment. The end. Okay so I wish that was what happened, but no, I ended up standing infront of my mothers corridor mirror crying to the point of red eyes and basically thinking I was loosing the plot. So I have not found it easy to cry, not because I have no reason to but instead maybe it is my medication or my mind, oh I do not know. My doctor raised my obesity with me, yep like I do not know I am, I see it, plus the need for me to see a psychiatrist on top of seeing a psychologist! I had planned to see the city today but whilst sitting in the doctors room, I felt like nothing and decided then and there I would be staying home. Yes for the first time I broke down with the doctor in a long time and the first time I walked out into the waiting room crying and then along the main road back home, yep. The truth is this just feels like a nightmare. Can I sleep and wake and it is better?

All this and I feel guilty. I mean, there is so much going on amd I am always talking about my mental health. It sucks having this thing inside my brain at the moment-well this thing I have lived with my whole life, well especially the last fouteen years!

Ivy-Jeane my dear girl visited me in my dreams last night, it was as though someone was trying to buy her amd she as actually crying, so I ran outside and yelled and grabbed her, she was wearing the pink collar I bought her before she died. My baby girl was telling me soemthing in this dream…she a,ahas visits me at tims I am feeling scared. Though, I have not seen her for a while now so it was a blessed event.

I think this is it for now, I do hope you are all well. Time to not think about Tom, oh wait I am..damn it!!

<3

Miss Popette x

Let Everyday…

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

I am sitting down in tears but this is such a beautiful post that made me stop and take notice. This post is from a beautiful blogger with such a special blog. <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Silver Lining Of Your Cloud:

Let every day be a dream you can touch. Let every day be a love you can feel. Let every day be a reason to live, because life is too short to be negative.

Let every day be a dream you can touch. Let every day be a love you can feel. Let every day be a reason to live, because life is too short to be negative.

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The Life Outside…

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Anxiety and depression can be limiting-Sometimes I tell others I can’t cope,moments holding my dog smiling and talking to birds then…yes,all fetal position on my floor crying thinking why can I not just got out for the day and see the life outside

This is my life. It was once not my life but it decided to come back and hit me on the bottom and has chosen to reside in my head and make me carry out time consuming rituals and literally ruin much of my life. I blog about this mainly now and it hurts, I feel like if I go back in time I see a vibrant soul that has now faded into this big black blob. I miss the selfies when I felt healthy, long for the outings, missing out on events and hardly smile. My only happiness comes from my dog, well my dog and cutting flowers and putting them in vases. Actually my dog has a love for flowers too (hibiscuses to be exact which are a personal least favourite of mine!). I have done some research and found out this type of flower is bad for Jimmy so I will be taking action. <3

It seems that whenever I feel sorry for myself I feel guilty,I think of those worse off bit then the hurt inside me makes me realise that I am doing it tough and I am allowed to feel this way. I also have been finding butteflies literally flying past my face at times I am at my lowest, white ones I see but I have seen black and orange, actually maybe once a black one which I found strange, but to me when someone says something is this way I find it just that more special.

So butterflies, flowers, my Jimmy and life, these are a mixture of things that are part of me but things I miss out on too when I get low. I have a friend that suffers from bipolar and it has made me have an even bigger concept of mental health and truly how many of us do suffer. Today I heard one in five australian suffer some form of mental health issue, yes, so why do I feel there is a nasty stigma out there still?! Now please do not take offence, I am just a little down and I see things with my own eyes want to keep campaigning about this. This is me and what I stand for.

I need to take control again, grab that essence, the thing that used to keep me driven and wanting to get out of bed. The truth is though, I do not know what it was. I would be happy a guy was keen so that seemed to ease my mind and boost my confidence, so then that was me relying on another guy to keep me going…I learnt the hard way. It is true, once a relationship ends, ocd increases, I say this because my doctor spoke to me once about this and somehow it seemed to be of relevance to me.

Something happend that startled me, you know the bookstore I usually go to, well one of the staff had to walk past me so kindly gestured me, in return I just began talking and opening up, I guess I am writing this as I genuinely did not feel comfortable with some of the staff but this sort of changed my perspective. The thing that struck me was how we discussed how sometimes books can be tossed aside and then chased back (okay bad choice of wording but you know what I mean!)…how we may "not be in the right headspace" at the time…even more stranger as a guy earlier well the previous day said he was feeling this way. Oh gosh, I am feeling old, yes it is like déjàvu a lot!!

Anyway, what else, mmm, I have to see my doctor Sunday…ahhhhhh!! I cannot hide from this nor can I break, I guess I have to be strong.

It is very dark now, loving the transition from Summer to Autumn (hating the leaves though!!) but cannot have it all. Waking up cold was nice, I know this sounds strange but I love the colder weather!

<3

Miss Popette x

Be Like Bacon (Knowledge is Power) – We’re all the Same

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

I found this post and without any hestitation I decided I had to reblog this from this beautiful blogger. Many many moments I know that I do not feel like I fit in, but the truth is, we all feel this from time to time but the reality is WE ARE ALL THE SAME-we bleed, we cry, we yell, we smile, we sleep, we eat…we are all here and BEAUTIFUL! <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Be Like Water:

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spring flowers

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Beautiful…elegant…simple…timeless…I ADORE! Thank you for sharing something so stunning, I had to reblog this. <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on lemon yellow photography:

“It is spring again. The earth is like a child that knows poems by heart.” Rainer Maria Rilke

springtime-2springtime

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Wake Up…

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I wake up and tell myself I can do this…The nightmares I have are not as bad as my reality.The anxiety drives the ocd,the ocd drives my life.You go into daydream world but stop,why,well there is another thing to do on the chore list…oh life.

Firstly I must sincerly apologise for not blogging, my reasons for this have been, well actually reason has been due to my state of mind. You see there was a time I could block it all out and write, but lately I have gone to bed too drained to lift my head, let alone formulate proper sentences for a human to read let alone understand. I guess if I was to write the way I was thinking, many would freak out. So anyway, this brings me finally here on here,yes, the first Saturday of Autumn.

So, I finally made it to the dentist, yes after nearly a year of putting it off, I wiggled my bottom there and had what needed done. Well this is a lie, I only had a teeth cleaning, the actual work was not done, yes, after having a check up, I am in need of three fillings and a mouth guard (night guard), yes, expensive. Now I know what you may be thinking, and no, I am not touching football or anything, I actually need a guard for my TMJ disorder. Now I should be receiving treatment for this but no, I have put this aspect of my life (like many!!) aside and neglected myself and now I am paying for it. :(

On the house front things have gone bad, then good, then bad bad….okay so I have had days where I have not polished and left the garden a pig sty, but after a few days of it bubbling I give in. I left it all for four days, yes a milestone for me! The truth is I have lost that excitement or drive, you know, you make a bed and boom more dust, the leaves fall, Jimmy makes a mess….flowers die…yep, life. Right now after fighting with it all I give up, I do. I have a week ahead planner where I say when I do things and that is it, I need to stick to it. Yes this kills but this will do me only better. I need to keep saying this to myself.

Right so my psychologist, mmm, okay so I cancelled my recent appointment because it was all too much for me to comprehend, then catch two buss, yes, easier to give up. However, I now have an appointement on Tuesday to discuss my job issues and then see my doctor amd nurse regarding my medical certificate which runs out shortly…yes, I was told by an assessor that I could have more time off but I bet you these people are going to be horrible, but, I am getting worse and need a lot of assistance, not just pills amd the occasional appointment!!! If I am not stable, how the heck can I hold down employment, let alone apply for work I cannot carry out?!!! It is scary come to think , I have to attend this dreaded appointment alone, the time I need the biggest support and my parents are working, you see, this is big big and I need some help.

We are still waiting to hear from the clinic, you know the place where it seems people think patients can be magically healed , yep, I do not believe it. My mind is frail, my brain is broken like the rest of me at the moment. I will keep carrying on because this is what we have to do.

I did something nice the other day, I bought a band playing in the mall a packet of chocolates to share amongst them, yes you heard right! So, I heard this band a few days earlier and bought their cd, now they are  a really talented bunch of musicians and they play Spanish with a mix or Arabic and Gypsy style I guess I could day. The amazing thing was when playing their cd the day after, number two was a cover version of A Yann Tiersen song I heard on the movie “Amelie”…yes I cried and smiled. How is that, my favourite music played but a totally different style of band?! <3

On the flip side, I have been spending a lot of time at home, yes a mix of depression, exhaustion, anxiety, ocd and body image issues I am going to have to blame for this. You know like normal, you start to loose your mind, you get obsessive as you stay at home, hence more chores, more things that agitate the mind.

The last day I went out I was on the bus and just knew I would be freaking out by the time I got home so I called my ex Kyne just to hear his voice, yes Mr London, the guy that left me. Of course I know he will never know and there clearly is no logic in it, but it was a sense of comfort to me. This was a big loss to me, I have moved on but I definetley know I loved the man.

Thank you for listening to what is my life up to this very second.

<3
Miss Popette x

P.S. Hope you liked my photograph, it was of a morning and I could not simply leave it without having it photographed!

A Letter To My Insecure Mind

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Dear Miss Popette’s Mind,

You have scars,lumps,few grey hairs and tummy but this does not take away your beauty.How many times have you sat and cried,been too nervous to go on a date or the bus because of it all…people tell you weight comes and goes but it is the damage it has done to your mind that is the real issue…you are beautiful.You are.Yes you are Miss.

I have watched you smile, seen you fall, been there at your worst and watched you enjoy life, heard the harsh words you have spat at yourself and laughed when you make a joke. The world wants to see you happy. Yes it does. It really does.

You take pills and sit on a psychologists chair once a fortnight but this does not make you crazy or weak, instead it makes you a stronger girl and you are going through this so you can help others. You are brave. Yes you. You are your own tower of strength.

There are good days and bad, happiness and sadness, the sun sets and it rises, you have enjoyed some happier times and been courageous through the hurt. You are worthy Miss. Life is for you. You can do it.

<3
Your Heart

This post was something I needed to write, I have the weakest mind at the moment, I feel lost and I am always finding ways to judge myself so I thought if I let my heart pour out maybe it may help me. These words are not just for me but for you all, the truth is we all hurt and laugh, we rise and fall but through it all we are human, we are alive…this is a gift. Now, due to the flowers and the colour PINK found in this quote, I simply had to chose this to be added to my blog, not to mention the positivity on the words! <3

Post Script: It is now the first day of Autumn, everyone is home and it feels stressful-I have cleaning to do and to ask for help I feel guilty like I am to feel unworthy. My ocd gets in the way yes, but I wish some people just knew what it was like and could wave a wand and ease my mind for a day at least.

Sinking Mind

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“I am going to be strong,I have to be,I cannot let you get the best of me”… Depression,it is the empty vase waiting for the flowers,something pretty could be there but it is empty…the sunflowers drooping when the sun is shining…it is sitting on the couch clutching your hair…looking up at the sky when all you see is the clouds not the sun shining through after a storm.

Lately I have been feeling as though I am sinking, and no, I am not walking on the sand or in a tub of icecream (oh gosh, now I want to eat some icecream…bad idea!), I just have had these thought and emotions wash over me. The thing is aside from the weight thing, and the men thing and okay stop whinging Miss Popette, I feel as though I am sometimes on another planet, as though I have split seconds where I feel like I am invisible to all human life, like I do not count. Actually I go through this emotion a lot, no wait, I mean feeling.

Feelings, emotions and behaviour, these are three big things, they all effect one another but they do not have to, okay, so this is what I have been told…I am going to share something I believe, now we can feel sad and in our head it may say thus and that but we can still choose to act positive, to go for a walk, pick a flower, smile, yes our behaviour is our own choice but the rest we cannot help what our minds sometimes say and how we feel.

Enough counselling well therapy for today, I kind of am over it-one session last week and until my next, can we not talk about it anymore, you know how it is.

Sorry this seems to be a depressing post, I think my mind is empty but I miss posting though I feel this piece of mine really is not worth publishing. However, I felt the need to get some emotions out and since I use this as a sort of diary for me, I think I did what I had to do.

I will try to steer away from the unhappy for now and write some more, it is 5:39 am Tuesday now, I slept but feel like I need a days more sleep, how many of us need this right?!

Anyway, so yesterday was an interesting day, besides eating subway after so long of not eating it , I met three people that kind of made my day (in a way).

Bus Gentleman: This kind guy was waiting for the bus, despite being there before me, when the bus arrived he waved to let me get on first, I feel bad and told him that he had been waiting before me so he should go and I politley thanked him to which he thanked me, anyway, not like I got his number or anything, but it was nice-reassured me there are gentleman out there.

Toilet Lady: So I was lining up for the toilets and this lady started speaking to me and smiled, an actual genuine bubbly smile. I found out she was on a ” awkward date” but still seemd happy, turns out the guy she knew from many years ago amd he travelled to see her, sweet right? This lady just made me smile in a way, not sure why.

The Florist: Now, I am not entirely sure if this girl was an actual florist but it was where I ended up purchasing some flowers for myself from. We got taking about men, life and it all amd both realised we were a bit different to others, to which this lady said ” we are going places”-yes, simply all I needed to here, I admired her for this.

There we go, sometimes some people walk into our lives for a reason. On the flip side, I went to the book store I frequent and yet again no smiles, no hellos, yes the staff see me there and treat me like a stranger. Time for a new store I think.

I think I will publish this now, I am feeling rather nauseous this morning amd got that yukky headache.

<3
Miss Popette x

Positive Petals

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Dear Clarabelle, I adore your blog for all it is and this post I simply had to reblog, just wish the flower was PINK 😉. I think us humans spend so much time on the negatives, and just to say what we are grateful for can be hard sometimes, but I believe we should. <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Clarabelle:

dark blue flower

Look at the picture of the beautiful blue flower above and for each petal that is on this flower, I want you to think of something you are grateful for.  Let’s do this together, my answers are in brackets below.

Petal 1.  I am grateful for…..(my wonderful health and wellbeing.)

Petal 2.  I am grateful for….(my determined spirit.)

Petal 3.  I am grateful for…(my positive attitude.)

Petal 4.  I am grateful for…(my amazing supportive family and friends.)

Petal 5.  I am grateful for…(my grateful heart.)

If you wish you can change it up a little, you can let each petal represent something positive that is happening in your life right now, here’s another example:

Petal 1:  I am so happy that my marathon training is going to plan and I love how my fitness levels are improving.

Petal 2:  I am so delighted that I…

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