In London Town…

quote-about-let-go-of-the-past-and-the-past-will-let-go-of-youMany tears cannot bring you back-I taste my tears in the cold coffee.You are a memory not a vision,I cannot hold your hand or call your phone…You wander London town,your soul loving the city…

I have let go of a guy I think I loved,this is the guy that left me for London. In between tears and confusion, the past year and a half has been a sad one. Yes I have met guys (well the wrong guys), applied for jobs that I really knew I did not want, dreamt of getting on an aeroplane and flying away…I have left my coffee so many times, it just goes cold, I have had biscuits that taste sour and my tears seem to cover most of my food. Then I have good days, well not good days, but you know, days where you can walk around and feel like you are alive-though these days are very few.

Not sure why I was crying just before, perhaps it was the crazy googling I did of Kyne to try and find here he is, no we never exchanged promises deep enough to make me know he loved me, nor did we exchange goodbyes at the airport, but I know in my heart, that he was a special one. Writing this now makes me sound crazy, but I know many people have done this and will do this, perhaps you are writing something similar to a lost love or soul that you want to talk to, dying to hold, aching for the happy memories.

Blogging has not been something I have been doing lately, I have been in my own world, mostly on the lounge chair afraid of tasking risks or even stepping outside the front door, buying flowers has been well not something I have done for myself and my house and garden, well for an OCD sufferer, it is atrocious-I literally have not cleaned in over three weeks!

Depression has seemed to cover me, whether it be during the day, or on the bus or when I wake up in the morning, I pull-the sheets over more and just shake at the thought of having to face the day. I know that if I had my old routine back, my former me, I probably would enjoy exercise, would paint my nails, polish the house and cuddle my dog without much interruptions, now, well, I take steps back and put myself down.

Recently I did fly over to Melbourne, yes I stayed in a beautiful old fashioned hotel known as ‘The Windsor Hotel’ and my gosh, I think I miss that place nearly as much as I miss Kyne! For the first time (literally) in years, I felt I was home-the old windows, curtains and carpets, the knowing that old celebrities such as Sir Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh had walked their souls through those rooms just made me feel alive. I ended up purchasing a memento, yes a simple black apron from the hotel reception as I just had to have something to take back with me! Maybe I am still there, I certainly know here in the family house I just do not feel at home here, strange right?!

On the plane to Melbourne who did I see but a lady, a very special soul whom re inspired me to become a florist and follow my won dream-yes, I know! Then we ended up sitting next to each other to get to the bus terminals where we said goodbye and went our own ways. Now this is to me a sign, call me crazy or whatever, things happen for a reason-grow older and learn this!

Music is something I try to make myself listen to. Yes I have my favourites, actually watching Justin Bieber dance to the song ‘Where Are U Know’ really amazes me-I love his style of dance, and because I want to take up hip hop, I get inspired as I have found a male dancer that is on YouTube that has an amazing style of his own, but very far away. My body image stops me from taking up dance.

Pills. Just the word makes me fret. This morning I was in bed thinking what my life would be like if I accidentally forgot, mmm, well my withdrawal symptoms are quite nasty and feral! Yesterday I saw my doctor, well a doctor I saw and stopped seeing but back seeing again (you know!!), Doctor has now told me to take two 20mg pills daily at morning and noon, unlike my last that was 75mg and was told was a too low dosage! Yes, I have one person saying this and another saying that, so now on Fluvoxamine instead of Effexor and on a tremendously low dosage.

Oh I LOVE French music on in the background at 10:51 am on a Monday morning! I know that my tears have dried but will start again when I have a down moment, but I need to try and keep my mind active. The thing is, just because someone can put make up on, lock their front door, does not mean all is in their world you know, maybe they are just trying to keep their soul alive, just.

It is now oh gosh ummm seven months till my thirtieth! The fears are beginning…the nerves are kicking in…I do not want to celebrate it with family, no, my dream is to be overseas doing my own thing, I know it is selfish in a way, but I am old enough and wise (perhaps?) to do something by myself. I think Kyne made me realise this.

The rental search is continuing…Like I mentioned above, I went to Melbourne and I inspected three properties, one was amazing but I was not accepted for that particular rental which knocked me about but I think it was for a reason. It is not an easy thing, can be exciting, but to me it is depressing and scary, I just want to clink my fingers and go back to Collins Street!

I am unsure what the days will bring ahead…I know that I cannot plan too far but I must keep dreaming

<3 Miss Popette x

This Is My Brave

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Dearest Mouse, I had to reblog this! I am listening to your words right now, I just am so grateful you opened up and so did the other people with you. This is BRAVE, gives STRENGTH and is INSPIRING! With love always, Cate xxxx

Originally posted on Girl in a Basement:

On Friday night, I took part in a once-in-a-lifetime moment with an amazing group of people, sharing our stories about and our experiences with mental illness.

And everyone was excellent.

Once the whole show is put out online, I will make sure I post that video, because everyone’s stories need to be heard.

For right now, though, you get my story. If that’s all right.

I wasn’t really nervous – just worried that my story wasn’t nearly as compelling as everyone else’s. But everyone else said my story was really good.

I am so glad to have shared it. It is the first step.

A couple things. You will hear my full real name, and this is the only time I will ever say it or mention it here on the blog. You get to know what the plain and the able really are, if you haven’t already guessed that…

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The Broken Fallen Flower…

…’sometimes petals sit and sometimes they float away’…today I want them to float away.The petal thing,well it is my mind,the depression,the controlling OCD,the battle I face showering-my reality.

I am writing this on Saturday morning-a week since I arrived back from cold creative Melbourne. Time flew so quick, well not in hospital, no, time slowed, the pain of the tasks I had to carry out seemed to pro long my insanity! It is kind of hard to put together this posy, to know where I should start and how much I can type. I actually am using my family computer as my little ipad has decided to break on me!

HOSPITAL YUK! Is it far of me to say this when I had alot of support and treatment there?! When I arrived I was freaked out by how small my room was and how out of date it looked, I know right, first world problems! This was probably the least of my issues I had to face there, well aside from the fact that by my room being the size it was, I was constantly touching the bed etc with my dirty clothes, hence nightmares began to build in my mind…you know. :( Everyday I had to do tasks that were repetitive, yes that did my head in-whether it was touching things I thought were contaminated, writing distressing words or sentences, it had to be done. We can call this ‘ERP’.

Now this is hard for a girl who avoided certain things on and off for around fourteen years! I had my moments, I cried with staff and to my annoyance, was unable to receive any comfort as assurance to them was a form of OCD! Meals, well hospital food in general in not to everyone’s liking, I actually only liked one thing I had there and that was a cheesecake. I did eat, yes, but I did miss more sustainable meals and yes my burgers. No I did not loose weight.

People, well I met some, yes we all encounter people we simply do not click with and some you wonder why they were not in your life before. I think I was blessed to have some nice people in my group of six and a few genuine staff, sadly I cannot say all were I feel. Possibly the nicest staff member told me to think of ‘the pink apartment I want…to look down the corrdior’-yes, some people are special, and some just want to take away your antibacterial wipes! There were times I snapped. Moments I realised how much I felt I was a nuisance to society, these were the yukky moments! The most uplifting moment, well I developed a silly crush on a guy who I will never speak to again.

Okay, so I really do not want to continue talking of this. How about I talk about the pills?! Withdrawal symptoms totally suck! I forgot to tell my psychiatrist in hospital about wanting to change over my pills, so it was a doctor I deliberately had not seen in months who I was forced to see that did change my Effexor to Fluvoxamine. It was not a pretty sight-vomiting up noodles, wobbly walking, head pounds, yes, I really have been in the dumps. In all honesty it is about six days and I still feel a tad uneasy.

Sinusitis. Yep. The end. Well no, four weeks and I am still ill, will be interesting to see on Monday what the doctor has to say yet again about this. Madly been googling symptoms , ended up thinking I had a few bad things!

I think the relationship I have had to have with myself has been a hard one, especially having had been away from close family and my dear baby Jimmy, I had to really be my own best friend, this can be hard when you have hated yourself for years.

On the flip side, something news shocked me and made my own life feel like I was being a whinger-my ex, well his best friends sister and husband were tragically killed in a car crash and my ex’s grandmother passed away from an illness whilst I was away, I really could not believe all this had happened. Life is so unfair. For now I will stop, see if this publishes and hope I hear from you all. I will sort out what days I will clean etc as literally been over a month and my garden, windows, house etc look like dirt, not just my mean OCD playing tricks!! <3 Miss Popette x

Post Script: Sunday morning and I feel lost. I was thinking is it easier to keep strong when you have something to live for? Like, thinking of a future that you want or the knowing that thngs eventually get better…I just feel like yuk.

Cold Lonely Night

I tuck myself in bed to tales,voices and despair,it’s no bed time story,just my mind and thoughts ticking over…the wanting to close that book and dream a new life…my life repeats the same chapter and the character never changes-this is mental illness.

This was not how I was hoping a post would start, when I started this blog a few years ago my words were not as dark and dare I say depressing, I wrote about fashion, love and awkwardness, I would snap photographs of me with make up, my dear dog and flowers, I created new looks and stepped outside, these days it is the total opposite, I see black under my eyes, I am taking pills because of this yukky thing called OCD and I panic about having to wake up in the morning.

I guess I hope someone can relate to me, that my words are not only my thoughts but others out there that are too facing this horrible illness. The fact that there are others out there makes me realise I am not a freak or anything like that but still when one is battling this, that person really does feel alone. When I speak out my thoughts to my mother I know she is tearing up inside, watching her daughter crumble to pieces, it must be hard and I do feel guilt, but sometimes I do not and have anger instead thinking why me.

Today was hard and tomorrow will be harder, I have workmen coming to fix the shower screen during the morning and afternoon (Friday), well you know how they say one thing and this and that, then a garden and windows that need tending to as it has not been done for my gosh and it literally looks like a jungle out there, but my dear dog loves it, he adds to the mess. In addition to this, I have one week till I go into hospital for a few weeks so the week ahead I need to do this and that each day.

Yes it had to happen, I received the phone call- I will be admitted into the clinic on May 23rd at 11:00 am. Tomorrow I will be receiving the second call from the nurse in charge of this, I will need to painfully go through more details over the phone . I have no idea anymore. This is all I can say.

Jimmy keeps me going, that dear dog is my angel. When I was sitting down today and yesterday watching the home shopping network, yes I know!!!…I heard my little angel playing with his toy and talking, he is my little soldier. I cannot bare the thought of not being near him or loosing him, it almost plays on my mind each and every time I see him. This dig deserves all the love and attention he can get and I simply am so horrible at the moment.

My family, well I am clashing a lot with dad, suprise suprise. The thing is I love him and he loves me, we just simply cannot live in the same house or be stuck together and we will be tomorrow as he has a day off work, so that is two days now, and as for mum, well I cannot live without her. I am getting older, people ask me about siblings and mention how lucky I am not having any, yes maybe, I am used to this, but as I think more, sometimes I widener what my family would be like if it were bigger and what my future will be like.  If I had my way, I would have an older brother to look out for me, I still need that even though I am nearly thirty.

Lately I am targeting myself even more, putting myself down by name calling and belittling myself.  Of course this is not the way to go and I really do not think this helps me have the courage to do things or step outside for the day, let alone cope in this home, I cannot accept the flaws that I once thought made me special and unique, yet I love quotes that are beautiful and positive, but my mind just does not want to see. to believe in myself at the moment nor the positivity. I often get paranoid around others these days, thinking what they are thinking about me-gone are the days when I would not give a damn,these days I panic and find things people probably could make fun of me about.

I need to be my own hero, have to face things and accept my life. This is truly hard these days. It is now Friday so got to face the workmen, my life, cuddle my dog( hopefully) and just carry on as they say. I keep looking at myself in the mirror when I am near the bathroom and wonder who is this girl, why have I lost that glow…my eyes are far underneath, I have pimples and I just do not care for myself liek I used to, I believe I am ugly, that all the words people have thrown at me are true, now I say this and know it is silly but my mind is damaged.

<3

Miss Popette x

Post Script: Close to pulling out hairs- so much to do before tomorrow! Will be waking up around two am as early flight and long drive to the airport. I have been sadly notified I will be without Internet connection for two weeks so my blog will go unattended for a while. I am so so so sorry to those that have kindly write comments, I promise reply as as soon as I can. I will miss my biggest favourite person in the world, jimmy my dog while away. This is scary, I will share with you all when I arrive back safely.

Update: It is one day since I have stepped in my house after three weeks absence-nightmare probably best describes everything.  People around me are ill with the flu and I am still ill after two sets of antibiotics so have to see a doctor tomorrow regarding a few varying issues.  On the flip side , the house and garden are in not good condition and I have cried.  No I am not ‘cured’ and no I am not coping-hospital really did nothing for me…I know now I have to face more intensive treatment with new specialists ,much to the annoyance of close family relatives. Where to from here I have no idea-scared does not even describe how I am feeling.  Sadly my ipad is not working (charger ) and my mobile needs to be fixed so just using mums mobile whenever I can for my Internet needs.  I feel alone.  ♥x

Due to stigma, employers repeatedly dismiss applicants that disclose they have a mental illness instead of looking at their education, experience, ability or qualifications for a job

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

I saw this and immediately did not give it a second thought, this is an outrage, so unfair! I have a mental illness and going to announce it over and over again, it does NOT take away my talents and gifts and dreams, all it does is make me be a stigma to many when in fact people with some form of mental illness are exactly the same, we DESERVE the same treatment, yes we are normal and beautiful!! <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Blog of SACPROS - A Leading Mental Health Resource Directory for the Greater Sacramento Region:

Due to stigma, employers repeatedly dismiss applicants that disclose they have a mental illness instead of looking at their education, experience, ability or qualifications for a job

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A Thousand and One Broken Pieces…

image…are floating in my brain.I see my world from a view of a dusty attic-the dust is the mental illness I am battling and the attic is what contains it all.It is cold and lonely,not a nice place to be.I try and hide here but it does me no good…another broken piece to add.

On the bus I had these words float through me, this was oh gosh about nine ,no ten and a bit hours ago so I am rather anxious to type it all out. My bus trip was not the best, I mean, I was crying before I caught my bus and had to step outside my home, yes, I have learnt that despite the tears, sometimes we just got to be part of life and somedays just like my dear Prathima once said, it is okay to just cancel and stay home.

My gosh I miss her. Today was not that day. I did not stay home and let myself crumble even more, I applied my lipstick, out on a black and white colour themed look and went out, walked down the long road then round then corner and beyond to reach the bus stop and there I thought to myself why I was even bothering. Mum says this is the negative bad thoughts but I simply cannot over write them like I used to for a while when things were okay for me. Perhaps I am sinking without an anchor or life jacket.

What day is it?! Friday, you know what that is…The Friday Night Of Single Popette! Yes, my gosh. How many has that been Miss?! It is okay, I like being in my gigantic stretch undies and watching re runs of my favourite shows (actually I do!).

How funny, it is now Tuesday, yes, my blog goes unattended for days and I end up with posts that look like diary entries from a girl that is crazy. So what has been happening you ask? Well, severe weather has been taking über so I have dirty windows, balcony and a area around my house and garden that looks like someone has unleashed a few bins worth of leaves, papers and dog poo (yes you heard right!)-the winds have been that strong so being the season of Autumn, my garden had not chance and has suffered dramatically, which means I now have lots of cleaning up to do in a week or so when it stops raining! I am very sad as it is always wet now so no sunshine rays or anything to see, no cosy feeling anymore, Autumn brings sadness.

We received a phone call today (well mum did), the dreaded one from the clinic that is based in Melbourne that helps those battling some form of mental health issue in their life. The reason for this is the lady had a personal chat with mum and sorted out the costs etc and then will call me Thursday also. I am not jumping wound excitedly organising what cute pyjamas I will take or what photo frame I will put by the bed, is read I am thinking for the three weeks, who will clean the house and what will I come home to. I guess there are also fears of the actual process I will have to undertake, the pain I have to face and the people that will be in my face twenty-four seven. From what I assume, it looks like after four pm the sessions conclude so I have some time to myself which means I will basically be stuck in the hospital as it will then be dinner and too late to go out alone, I kind of am not liking this idea of being take to a place where I have to face my reality and nightmare.

Earlier on today I slipped in the shower and cracked my parents shower screen, yes, I am fortunate I did not do any body damage so maybe my guardian angel was watching over me, but it did shatter a lot so it looks shocking and the way it happened in an instant was frightening-I called mum but she did hear a loud bang and ran up the stairs, I was soaking wet and mum tried so hard to pick me up despite her injuries, mum was shaken whilst I was too confused or soemthing to understand. Now when I say “too confused” this means I am unsure what is happening anymore, why things happen and where I stand in life.

I have come to the conclusion that since I smashed my head that time last August during the night, I have been confused, well something does not feel right. I have addressed this but been told it is just my life and this and that but I am going to take a stance and demand a scan on my head as nobody can see what is inside, I can be cleared of a broken nose despite a horrible out of shape looking nose for a while , but there could be something damaged inside of me. On the flip side, mum agrees that the clinic will be the ones to properly diagnose me and change my medication,I feel I have been let down by health professionals along the way and if I have been misdiagnosed then this could be a new chapter in my life.

Sorry, I needed to get it out. We all get scared sometimes.

Oh my my, I forgot!!!! I went to Melbourne for a few days alone on Anzac Day, yes I flew out that morning and had a moments silence on the plane and ate a Anzac biscuit to share the spirit of the day. Now it got depressing-you know when you are single and you see couples going away together and you are clutching on to your orange juice and cookies thinking…oh wait, sorry that was me, but we all feel this too right?! Anyway, I did not enjoy myself this time, I felt lost, I really felt no buzz, ate a lot of food which was nice but I was unsure if this was the place I wanted to move to, if this place had soemthing I could offer, oh and of course I slipped on the same road I did when I was living there (yes Swanston Street!!!!) and badly scratched my left knee just like last time too, so I have realised that perhaps I need to stay away from that area. The one place I felt at home was Federation Square, I took my food, watched people go by, I was amongst it all….then the plane ride home ended my little smile.

Flights, biscuits, cracked shower screens, what else?…Kyne has disconnected his number, yes the day finally came where it had to happen, so all the comfort I would get for, hearing his voice message has now gone. I get that lonely that I try to keep one memory at least alive but it feels I am thrown dirt and dust back.

I know right now there is not a guy out there that is for me, he is waiting somewhere and he is special and I will see him one day, or so I keep telling myself. There was guy that got off the bus today at the same stop, and I was ready to cross the road he ran up to me to ask where he was to catch another bus to get to his suburb, I told him it was a short walk away, now he made me day and he had the sweetest smile and genuinely thanked me, I was taken back by such kindness and my my such a cute guy. If only <3…

There is something I want to share, I was told about a YouTube clip by a special person and will share it with all you special people. Now go and type in DREAM MOTIVATION VIDEO, this truly will make you think. I just sneezed so it must be true!

<3

Miss Popette x

Update: So, not sure where to start! Was on an international pen pals site, got to know a guy I believed and Skyped with him, only to find his headline on the site to have a woman’s username and then have a woman try and contact me on Skype! I have seen this man personally on camera so it was him I was talking to but I have blocked him now on the site and wrote him a not so nice Skype message, well a long chapter it looks like as I trusted him, talked to him, shared my life with him…people, honestly, never give your heart to someone, I say this because it is seven am now, a time me and him would Skype and now this hurt.

As We Get Older (and Wiser)…

imageSomedays are are all about dusty window sills,broken leaves,fallen flowers,saggy bottoms and the dreaded heartbreak.Okay,so I am getting older and this is life.Yes,you will eat cold pizza at midnight and shave your legs maybe once or twice a week if lucky.

I do do not know where I am tonight, well I know I am in boring Adelaide and in bed all toasty and warm, but in my heart and soul, I do not know where I am. Perhaps it was not enough that I lived interstate for a few months two years ago, maybe it is about me feeling lost in my soul. Always have I been told I am a “lost soul”, all the time, well not recently but in the past tons of times…I guess I still am floating around somewhere.

Okay so I am jumbled, my writing is just what is coming to me, I am not editing or doing anything fancy pants. I think I have only some spell check a few times, yes, sorry, hence why some of my posts have the mist incorrect spelling and ,wording as sometimes when I write it makes a whole different word to what I wanted.

Dreams and not the in my heart ones, instead dreams at night, sometimes yukky dreams. I hate dreaming, well no, I did have one nice dream which is like never and I wanted so hard to meet whoever this guy was-you know when you wake and try desperately hard to go back to that moment….yep. I have had a few travel dreams but I know why, my heart really really wants to travel and my soul is dying where it is.

My exes. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Sad face. Yes I tried to google Jamie last night, yes I probably have not mentioned this one as this was before I started blogging actually but he made that much of an impact that I simply could not leave him out of my writing. Jamie was different and I mean that in a good way. How so you ask..well, I read a script he produced, yes a script…he introduced me to a ham called gypsy ham and well he was special, he actually said I love you in French at a totally unannounced moment. No luck, could not find him but for some reason he really was on my mind. The last I knew he moved hours away for a girl, yes he did and was in love.

I am only mentioning these moments as they keep me going, I think they do anyway. I have not been in love for years so I miss it all and the fact I have met some pretty unique guys along the way means something. Maybe it is who we draw in that influences our lives…oh here I go, all philosophical but there is some truth in that.

Jimmy my dear boy. This dog is truly my world-he kept cuddling near me and I could not help but cuddle him back. On all things outside…Tonight I tried to attempt the garden. My gosh. I say this as why did I, why?!!!! It is going to rain and be such horrid weather (winds, storms etc!!!) ao come Tuesday, there will be a massive clean up and it will only be Friday tomorrow…long week (or so) ahead right.

My insecurities. I have developed an incredibly terrible looking neck form washing, yes aside from my dry hands and tummy, now my neck is showing horrible signs, mum says it looks as though well not good and for mum to say that means I look bad. Push aside this I have tons of big pimples on my face that are becoming painful and enlarged, I feel my body is fighting back all the damage I have done and continue to do to it.

When will this world let me go of my fears?

So one month is it now till I am hospitalised? I was told by dad that it will be a one month stay and not the  two weeks I was previously told…hello nightmare! I really am dreading this-talking to all the staff there, going through painful experiences and facing unfair stuff.

My introduction just reminded me, I must shave tomorrow!

<3

Miss Popette x

Pills

image

It was so hard to look at my my breakfast plate-chocolate biscuit,bread and butter…antidepressant.I thought I was weak and crazy…I sat back into the chair and did not want to get up…the television on loud..I thought of my lost love and what he would think of me now.

I am laying in my bed thinking how I can cope with the coming days-gardening, polish the house, clean the windows, mop and well add more…I have been what I call “lazy” , when in fact it is normal. No. I am not maintaining a healthy lifestyle by giving in to these OCD rituals, but honestly,a house needs to be maintained and I have not been doing this. It is so hard reading this over, I realise I am ill.

Do I do the count down till I am hospitalised?! What are we April 18, so May 23…THIRTY FIVE DAYS! Now after fourteen years since my first nervous breakdown, I will be heading back in but to a clinic this time interstate. This clinic is well known and has a good reputation, I got the nod from Prathima but Tom does not know, yes my second psychologist whom again I cancelled on- I just cannot sit through these sessions anymore, my brain is elsewhere again and I have made no real major progress.

My pills. Okay this is bad. One night I fell asleep and mum did not want to wake me so I took my Effexor the following morning (eleven hours late!!)…BIG MISTAKE-dizzy, tired, angry, weak, terrible head and neck aches, tearful, yep, I kind of was not well and it has taken me three days to recover, though still not understanding things clearly. I now have to take my 75mg pill in the mornings…boo!!!!

Pimples. Don’t these leave us alone as we grow?! NO! I am touching some gross ones, big pimples in fact that I have stupidly scratched, and are now bigger, add to this a dry face due to excess washing, I miss the old me. Again, reading this line too makes me realise I am ill.

Jimmy was extra cute tiday-mum was trying to feed him and getting him to sit but he was just wagging his tail and being cheeky. It hurts me that I feel he sees me most days not stepping outside , I was his carer and now letting my mum take over my duties, well not entirely but I think he sees me as not caring. Okay so this makes no sense as I always check up on him like all the time and talk to him, he comes to the door, he drags his blanket to the nearest door I am near that day and night-I think I just feel bad.

Flowers. Mmmm. NO, I have not been purchasing any and putting into pretty little vases and cups, I have kind of not been looking at many and that with the dish, I just loose my passion for them. It is like I was a few years ago, I just wanted to save for rentals and furntiure removals! I think it is getting closer to the time I just start packing my things, though in saying this, I have no where to live if I did-I need to think things through and plan plan plan.

My world keep going back to Kyne. I know it is only because that was a healthier time for me. I am not loved by Kyne, nor does he think of me, but inside my heart sometimes I hope he truly did. There have been times I have wanted to book a flight to London to suprise him but that is the dreamer me not the realistic me. That part of my world was taken away from me a year ago when he moved, actually no, when we broke up a few months before. Kyne was not just another guy.

Mobiles. Mmm. Okay so it has been over a week and my mobile yet again is damaged and I have not taken it into a shop! Yes I am bad. I cannot access my contacts, hence my dearest friend, so I feel frustrated and scared, alone and angry. I did turn on an old mobile I had in the hope of moving my SIM card but that was not use just to the sizing, I did however find old messages that must have somehow saved in the phone from Kyne…yes, tears. I was literally sitting in the toilet (sorry!!) and cried.

<3

Miss Popette x

Post Script: Fighting with my mind.

Few few days later….Hating myself! Have cleaning to do like gardening, polishing,  mopping etc as I have not done this week, yep and more but leaving it for tomorrow and the following day so today I just got to look at it all and panic, yes panic but do nothing-this is so damn hard. The house is gross.

Fall in Love with her Scars

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

I saw this quote and instantly it drew me in! When oh when will this ever happen?! <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on creatornorthshoregirl:

a689d950a94faa2e25e8e2a22ad11403

Our greatest aliveness is buried deep in our most insurmountable challenges. To strive for more aliveness, we must challenge ourselves. We must have the heart and stomach to step onto the path unknown.
To be a warrior on the outside, we must first become that warrior on the inside. This takes training, practice, consistency, gentleness…and an awareness to what we put into it, how it feels and if it is honest in that it truly nourishes our purpose from within.

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