I tuck myself in bed to tales,voices and despair,it’s no bed time story,just my mind and thoughts ticking over…the wanting to close that book and dream a new life…my life repeats the same chapter and the character never changes-this is mental illness.
This was not how I was hoping a post would start, when I started this blog a few years ago my words were not as dark and dare I say depressing, I wrote about fashion, love and awkwardness, I would snap photographs of me with make up, my dear dog and flowers, I created new looks and stepped outside, these days it is the total opposite, I see black under my eyes, I am taking pills because of this yukky thing called OCD and I panic about having to wake up in the morning.
I guess I hope someone can relate to me, that my words are not only my thoughts but others out there that are too facing this horrible illness. The fact that there are others out there makes me realise I am not a freak or anything like that but still when one is battling this, that person really does feel alone. When I speak out my thoughts to my mother I know she is tearing up inside, watching her daughter crumble to pieces, it must be hard and I do feel guilt, but sometimes I do not and have anger instead thinking why me.
Today was hard and tomorrow will be harder, I have workmen coming to fix the shower screen during the morning and afternoon (Friday), well you know how they say one thing and this and that, then a garden and windows that need tending to as it has not been done for my gosh and it literally looks like a jungle out there, but my dear dog loves it, he adds to the mess. In addition to this, I have one week till I go into hospital for a few weeks so the week ahead I need to do this and that each day.
Yes it had to happen, I received the phone call- I will be admitted into the clinic on May 23rd at 11:00 am. Tomorrow I will be receiving the second call from the nurse in charge of this, I will need to painfully go through more details over the phone . I have no idea anymore. This is all I can say.
Jimmy keeps me going, that dear dog is my angel. When I was sitting down today and yesterday watching the home shopping network, yes I know!!!…I heard my little angel playing with his toy and talking, he is my little soldier. I cannot bare the thought of not being near him or loosing him, it almost plays on my mind each and every time I see him. This dig deserves all the love and attention he can get and I simply am so horrible at the moment.
My family, well I am clashing a lot with dad, suprise suprise. The thing is I love him and he loves me, we just simply cannot live in the same house or be stuck together and we will be tomorrow as he has a day off work, so that is two days now, and as for mum, well I cannot live without her. I am getting older, people ask me about siblings and mention how lucky I am not having any, yes maybe, I am used to this, but as I think more, sometimes I widener what my family would be like if it were bigger and what my future will be like. If I had my way, I would have an older brother to look out for me, I still need that even though I am nearly thirty.
Lately I am targeting myself even more, putting myself down by name calling and belittling myself. Of course this is not the way to go and I really do not think this helps me have the courage to do things or step outside for the day, let alone cope in this home, I cannot accept the flaws that I once thought made me special and unique, yet I love quotes that are beautiful and positive, but my mind just does not want to see. to believe in myself at the moment nor the positivity. I often get paranoid around others these days, thinking what they are thinking about me-gone are the days when I would not give a damn,these days I panic and find things people probably could make fun of me about.
I need to be my own hero, have to face things and accept my life. This is truly hard these days. It is now Friday so got to face the workmen, my life, cuddle my dog( hopefully) and just carry on as they say. I keep looking at myself in the mirror when I am near the bathroom and wonder who is this girl, why have I lost that glow…my eyes are far underneath, I have pimples and I just do not care for myself liek I used to, I believe I am ugly, that all the words people have thrown at me are true, now I say this and know it is silly but my mind is damaged.
Miss Popette x
Post Script: Close to pulling out hairs- so much to do before tomorrow! Will be waking up around two am as early flight and long drive to the airport. I have been sadly notified I will be without Internet connection for two weeks so my blog will go unattended for a while. I am so so so sorry to those that have kindly write comments, I promise reply as as soon as I can. I will miss my biggest favourite person in the world, jimmy my dog while away. This is scary, I will share with you all when I arrive back safely. <3 you all and thank you from my heart for your support. Miss Popette x