“I look at your eyes, you look at mine, little do you know,the pain I hide inside. I suffer from an illness,many hold as stigma, although I want to think of myself as a special enigma”. By Miss Popette
Who is a little poet this Tuesday evening? No, just me doing my thing-sometimes I hear the words flood through my brain and I hav to write them and other times I am devoid of all thoughts. I have always been one to dabble in poetry, but I am also one to rid of it all, yes, my many scrap pieces of paper with poems etched in and flower drawings are gone, though at least I have a few on my posts that I have created in the last few years of being on here.
I never thought my enemy would be my mind, in high school it was the bullies, then my chubby body, now this.
Tonight I am not feeling so good, actually today was a bit of a yukky one for me, as my previous post said I have been a total miss lazy bones and due to well ladies you know, I have been a miss grump grump too, actually that has totally sucked. Anyway so what did I do, well I caught a bus, ate sushi rolls (prawn, tuna and chicken schnitzel flavours to be exact), bought a light pink Damask pattern piece of fabric (to use as a sort of decorative piece on my wooden window sill) and came back home, yep super short trip, then I had some codeine pain killers that totally made me feel as though I was somewhere else, actually still feeling this way!
Occasionally I Youtube music, well music and Saturday Night Live sketches and anybody I have a crush on-one was a gentleman from Downton Abbey, oh his accent! ☺️
Now I do not have a crush on Rhianna, no, but adore her music so thought ‘Diamonds’ was a good song to play when I am half drowsy on pills and out of it, sad I cannot enjoy it as much feeling this way.
Dating, well not exactly, online dating, okay why did I say what I said, well this two are completely different terms to me. Now the whole online thing is a different world, apart from the fact so many hide there, it seems to only bring me to a mobile relationship-yep you heard it. The exchanging of the numbers, the swapping of photographs and the chats that go nowhere get me down, but how else do I meet my guy, well aside from the chatting up over the chocolate ailse, wait, this never has happened!
Thirty is approaching, no not thirty doughnuts with …mmm yum…I mean the age, the number, oh the anxiety! By this age if you had asked me a this aged twenty-one I would have wanted to have been settled by now, this the changed a few years ago after I broke off a sort of engagement with my ex. I call him my ex fiancé as he proposed but there was no actual plans, we were young, free and anxious, yes, the mental demons damaged us. Maybe it is the codeine that is making my mind here and there, or maybe I just need to rant.
Sorry a day has passed, we are now on Wednesday evening. I tend to do this. Some of the above I wrote when I was half drowsy on pills and early hours of the morning so I apologise in advance!
Where do I start and what do I say? Well one I have a lovely (NOT!!!) patch of sunburn on my back amd neck, you know the whole circle look and my face is darker and dry, yes, I tried to tend to the garden but saw leaves later on etc so it really did not actually do me any good, but this is nature, it happens-leaves will fall, OCD will rise!
Anyway enough about the leaves, I ate a packet of smarties, tons of sliced bread and coke, I just feel like I am eating my worries away, but then I get even more larger hence more worries. What happened to the girl that would go walking…eat salads…smile…dress up..could see light at the end of the tunnel?
How do I pick up the pieces and move forward?
Sorry, it is now Saturday night, gees time goes so fast…Yes, age thing, I am becoming paranoid everyday! I think I am so low in self esteem that this has become another fear of mine.
My mind right now is jumbled, if it is not thinking about the dust, it is the garden that literally I have not cleaned up all week and if it is not this it is the scary weather we will be receiving the next few days . 😔 OCD, when will you buzz off?!
I saw my psycholgist yesterday, it went well, better than what I thought, yes, I think we all think the worse right?! We have devised a plan, a simple one, to get me back to doing a bit again as I am going back through depression, yes it is unfair, why do we have to go through this thing we get labelled as?!
Depression to me is sad, I know, that sounds silly but it is what I say, I actually also think it is lonely, like that word in itself describes it all. So many of us feel lonely, even in a room we are alone, or on a bus, to me I become more paranoid to be around people and I hate this as I went through this and came out in a positive light but now back in that tunnel.
Something interesting came out of my session yesterday, I amswered that “cleaning does not make me happy”, now this may sound tiny and not much but I am openly admitting how much I am feeling to this man, I hope he can help me, I really do.
Turns out the clinic I was mentioning never received the fax, I do not think the receptionist did her job, so here we were waiting weeks for an answer, anyway, maybe it is for the best, I mean, I am totally nervous about it now.
Time to publish I think, I am genuinely sorry I have not been online visiting blogs, I will do, just give me time.
Miss Popette x