A Thousand and One Broken Pieces…

image…are floating in my brain.I see my world from a view of a dusty attic-the dust is the mental illness I am battling and the attic is what contains it all.It is cold and lonely,not a nice place to be.I try and hide here but it does me no good…another broken piece to add.

On the bus I had these words float through me, this was oh gosh about nine ,no ten and a bit hours ago so I am rather anxious to type it all out. My bus trip was not the best, I mean, I was crying before I caught my bus and had to step outside my home, yes, I have learnt that despite the tears, sometimes we just got to be part of life and somedays just like my dear Prathima once said, it is okay to just cancel and stay home.

My gosh I miss her. Today was not that day. I did not stay home and let myself crumble even more, I applied my lipstick, out on a black and white colour themed look and went out, walked down the long road then round then corner and beyond to reach the bus stop and there I thought to myself why I was even bothering. Mum says this is the negative bad thoughts but I simply cannot over write them like I used to for a while when things were okay for me. Perhaps I am sinking without an anchor or life jacket.

What day is it?! Friday, you know what that is…The Friday Night Of Single Popette! Yes, my gosh. How many has that been Miss?! It is okay, I like being in my gigantic stretch undies and watching re runs of my favourite shows (actually I do!).

How funny, it is now Tuesday, yes, my blog goes unattended for days and I end up with posts that look like diary entries from a girl that is crazy. So what has been happening you ask? Well, severe weather has been taking über so I have dirty windows, balcony and a area around my house and garden that looks like someone has unleashed a few bins worth of leaves, papers and dog poo (yes you heard right!)-the winds have been that strong so being the season of Autumn, my garden had not chance and has suffered dramatically, which means I now have lots of cleaning up to do in a week or so when it stops raining! I am very sad as it is always wet now so no sunshine rays or anything to see, no cosy feeling anymore, Autumn brings sadness.

We received a phone call today (well mum did), the dreaded one from the clinic that is based in Melbourne that helps those battling some form of mental health issue in their life. The reason for this is the lady had a personal chat with mum and sorted out the costs etc and then will call me Thursday also. I am not jumping wound excitedly organising what cute pyjamas I will take or what photo frame I will put by the bed, is read I am thinking for the three weeks, who will clean the house and what will I come home to. I guess there are also fears of the actual process I will have to undertake, the pain I have to face and the people that will be in my face twenty-four seven. From what I assume, it looks like after four pm the sessions conclude so I have some time to myself which means I will basically be stuck in the hospital as it will then be dinner and too late to go out alone, I kind of am not liking this idea of being take to a place where I have to face my reality and nightmare.

Earlier on today I slipped in the shower and cracked my parents shower screen, yes, I am fortunate I did not do any body damage so maybe my guardian angel was watching over me, but it did shatter a lot so it looks shocking and the way it happened in an instant was frightening-I called mum but she did hear a loud bang and ran up the stairs, I was soaking wet and mum tried so hard to pick me up despite her injuries, mum was shaken whilst I was too confused or soemthing to understand. Now when I say “too confused” this means I am unsure what is happening anymore, why things happen and where I stand in life.

I have come to the conclusion that since I smashed my head that time last August during the night, I have been confused, well something does not feel right. I have addressed this but been told it is just my life and this and that but I am going to take a stance and demand a scan on my head as nobody can see what is inside, I can be cleared of a broken nose despite a horrible out of shape looking nose for a while , but there could be something damaged inside of me. On the flip side, mum agrees that the clinic will be the ones to properly diagnose me and change my medication,I feel I have been let down by health professionals along the way and if I have been misdiagnosed then this could be a new chapter in my life.

Sorry, I needed to get it out. We all get scared sometimes.

Oh my my, I forgot!!!! I went to Melbourne for a few days alone on Anzac Day, yes I flew out that morning and had a moments silence on the plane and ate a Anzac biscuit to share the spirit of the day. Now it got depressing-you know when you are single and you see couples going away together and you are clutching on to your orange juice and cookies thinking…oh wait, sorry that was me, but we all feel this too right?! Anyway, I did not enjoy myself this time, I felt lost, I really felt no buzz, ate a lot of food which was nice but I was unsure if this was the place I wanted to move to, if this place had soemthing I could offer, oh and of course I slipped on the same road I did when I was living there (yes Swanston Street!!!!) and badly scratched my left knee just like last time too, so I have realised that perhaps I need to stay away from that area. The one place I felt at home was Federation Square, I took my food, watched people go by, I was amongst it all….then the plane ride home ended my little smile.

Flights, biscuits, cracked shower screens, what else?…Kyne has disconnected his number, yes the day finally came where it had to happen, so all the comfort I would get for, hearing his voice message has now gone. I get that lonely that I try to keep one memory at least alive but it feels I am thrown dirt and dust back.

I know right now there is not a guy out there that is for me, he is waiting somewhere and he is special and I will see him one day, or so I keep telling myself. There was guy that got off the bus today at the same stop, and I was ready to cross the road he ran up to me to ask where he was to catch another bus to get to his suburb, I told him it was a short walk away, now he made me day and he had the sweetest smile and genuinely thanked me, I was taken back by such kindness and my my such a cute guy. If only <3…

There is something I want to share, I was told about a YouTube clip by a special person and will share it with all you special people. Now go and type in DREAM MOTIVATION VIDEO, this truly will make you think. I just sneezed so it must be true!

<3

Miss Popette x

As We Get Older (and Wiser)…

imageSomedays are are all about dusty window sills,broken leaves,fallen flowers,saggy bottoms and the dreaded heartbreak.Okay,so I am getting older and this is life.Yes,you will eat cold pizza at midnight and shave your legs maybe once or twice a week if lucky.

I do do not know where I am tonight, well I know I am in boring Adelaide and in bed all toasty and warm, but in my heart and soul, I do not know where I am. Perhaps it was not enough that I lived interstate for a few months two years ago, maybe it is about me feeling lost in my soul. Always have I been told I am a “lost soul”, all the time, well not recently but in the past tons of times…I guess I still am floating around somewhere.

Okay so I am jumbled, my writing is just what is coming to me, I am not editing or doing anything fancy pants. I think I have only some spell check a few times, yes, sorry, hence why some of my posts have the mist incorrect spelling and ,wording as sometimes when I write it makes a whole different word to what I wanted.

Dreams and not the in my heart ones, instead dreams at night, sometimes yukky dreams. I hate dreaming, well no, I did have one nice dream which is like never and I wanted so hard to meet whoever this guy was-you know when you wake and try desperately hard to go back to that moment….yep. I have had a few travel dreams but I know why, my heart really really wants to travel and my soul is dying where it is.

My exes. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Sad face. Yes I tried to google Jamie last night, yes I probably have not mentioned this one as this was before I started blogging actually but he made that much of an impact that I simply could not leave him out of my writing. Jamie was different and I mean that in a good way. How so you ask..well, I read a script he produced, yes a script…he introduced me to a ham called gypsy ham and well he was special, he actually said I love you in French at a totally unannounced moment. No luck, could not find him but for some reason he really was on my mind. The last I knew he moved hours away for a girl, yes he did and was in love.

I am only mentioning these moments as they keep me going, I think they do anyway. I have not been in love for years so I miss it all and the fact I have met some pretty unique guys along the way means something. Maybe it is who we draw in that influences our lives…oh here I go, all philosophical but there is some truth in that.

Jimmy my dear boy. This dog is truly my world-he kept cuddling near me and I could not help but cuddle him back. On all things outside…Tonight I tried to attempt the garden. My gosh. I say this as why did I, why?!!!! It is going to rain and be such horrid weather (winds, storms etc!!!) ao come Tuesday, there will be a massive clean up and it will only be Friday tomorrow…long week (or so) ahead right.

My insecurities. I have developed an incredibly terrible looking neck form washing, yes aside from my dry hands and tummy, now my neck is showing horrible signs, mum says it looks as though well not good and for mum to say that means I look bad. Push aside this I have tons of big pimples on my face that are becoming painful and enlarged, I feel my body is fighting back all the damage I have done and continue to do to it.

When will this world let me go of my fears?

So one month is it now till I am hospitalised? I was told by dad that it will be a one month stay and not the  two weeks I was previously told…hello nightmare! I really am dreading this-talking to all the staff there, going through painful experiences and facing unfair stuff.

My introduction just reminded me, I must shave tomorrow!

<3

Miss Popette x

Pills

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It was so hard to look at my my breakfast plate-chocolate biscuit,bread and butter…antidepressant.I thought I was weak and crazy…I sat back into the chair and did not want to get up…the television on loud..I thought of my lost love and what he would think of me now.

I am laying in my bed thinking how I can cope with the coming days-gardening, polish the house, clean the windows, mop and well add more…I have been what I call “lazy” , when in fact it is normal. No. I am not maintaining a healthy lifestyle by giving in to these OCD rituals, but honestly,a house needs to be maintained and I have not been doing this. It is so hard reading this over, I realise I am ill.

Do I do the count down till I am hospitalised?! What are we April 18, so May 23…THIRTY FIVE DAYS! Now after fourteen years since my first nervous breakdown, I will be heading back in but to a clinic this time interstate. This clinic is well known and has a good reputation, I got the nod from Prathima but Tom does not know, yes my second psychologist whom again I cancelled on- I just cannot sit through these sessions anymore, my brain is elsewhere again and I have made no real major progress.

My pills. Okay this is bad. One night I fell asleep and mum did not want to wake me so I took my Effexor the following morning (eleven hours late!!)…BIG MISTAKE-dizzy, tired, angry, weak, terrible head and neck aches, tearful, yep, I kind of was not well and it has taken me three days to recover, though still not understanding things clearly. I now have to take my 75mg pill in the mornings…boo!!!!

Pimples. Don’t these leave us alone as we grow?! NO! I am touching some gross ones, big pimples in fact that I have stupidly scratched, and are now bigger, add to this a dry face due to excess washing, I miss the old me. Again, reading this line too makes me realise I am ill.

Jimmy was extra cute tiday-mum was trying to feed him and getting him to sit but he was just wagging his tail and being cheeky. It hurts me that I feel he sees me most days not stepping outside , I was his carer and now letting my mum take over my duties, well not entirely but I think he sees me as not caring. Okay so this makes no sense as I always check up on him like all the time and talk to him, he comes to the door, he drags his blanket to the nearest door I am near that day and night-I think I just feel bad.

Flowers. Mmmm. NO, I have not been purchasing any and putting into pretty little vases and cups, I have kind of not been looking at many and that with the dish, I just loose my passion for them. It is like I was a few years ago, I just wanted to save for rentals and furntiure removals! I think it is getting closer to the time I just start packing my things, though in saying this, I have no where to live if I did-I need to think things through and plan plan plan.

My world keep going back to Kyne. I know it is only because that was a healthier time for me. I am not loved by Kyne, nor does he think of me, but inside my heart sometimes I hope he truly did. There have been times I have wanted to book a flight to London to suprise him but that is the dreamer me not the realistic me. That part of my world was taken away from me a year ago when he moved, actually no, when we broke up a few months before. Kyne was not just another guy.

Mobiles. Mmm. Okay so it has been over a week and my mobile yet again is damaged and I have not taken it into a shop! Yes I am bad. I cannot access my contacts, hence my dearest friend, so I feel frustrated and scared, alone and angry. I did turn on an old mobile I had in the hope of moving my SIM card but that was not use just to the sizing, I did however find old messages that must have somehow saved in the phone from Kyne…yes, tears. I was literally sitting in the toilet (sorry!!) and cried.

<3

Miss Popette x

Post Script: Fighting with my mind.

Few few days later….Hating myself! Have cleaning to do like gardening, polishing,  mopping etc as I have not done this week, yep and more but leaving it for tomorrow and the following day so today I just got to look at it all and panic, yes panic but do nothing-this is so damn hard. The house is gross.

Fall in Love with her Scars

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

I saw this quote and instantly it drew me in! When oh when will this ever happen?! <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on creatornorthshoregirl:

a689d950a94faa2e25e8e2a22ad11403

Our greatest aliveness is buried deep in our most insurmountable challenges. To strive for more aliveness, we must challenge ourselves. We must have the heart and stomach to step onto the path unknown.
To be a warrior on the outside, we must first become that warrior on the inside. This takes training, practice, consistency, gentleness…and an awareness to what we put into it, how it feels and if it is honest in that it truly nourishes our purpose from within.

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Viewing My Life

imageI have learnt that life is like a book and each new journey is a chapter.Some days I do not want to write or see the next leaf but I know the pages will keep turning and I cannot close.Then there are times I want to crinkle it all up and throw away…my dreams keep me alive.

I can get lost in a crowd-not amongst the people but in my own mind“…Sometimes I swear there is always one special person though that can read my own thoughts. Yes, this is a quote I came up with but the way I write, I guess I add bits and pieces everywhere so did not actually know where to add it!

Walking through the crowd today I felt like mmmm what’s the word when you feel ugly, bored, sad, fat, tired, lonely and okay so these are negative words but that is how I felt. So the mall is like the most boring place now to me but here in my city there really is nothing for a girl with an expansive mind like myself to do, so I catch a bus which is a long ride and it takes me to the city, I then walk through an arcade to connect on to the mall and do the same boring thing. Sometimes I hear musicians but it is mainly the same magician though occasionally if lucky I see a guy dressed as a tree. Yes you did hear right!

Previous to this, I was walking through the mall another time and a much older man walked into me. Now at first I thought it was pure accident ,but he kept talking and walking- I was not at all trying to chat him up at all, I realised he was and asked me if I wanted to have a drink as he was going to a hotel to have a wine. Yes, I walked away not flattered at all, instead felt like a joke and you know, walk away lonely wishing there was a genuine guy out there in the whole wide world that cared and would listen to my world.

It rarely ever happens, but today I met an old gentleman that was in the bookshop and he noticed me looking at a book. Upon this he told me that he read many books and has many of the ones I see, he was so knowledgable and his eyes were very powerful. Sadly I am unsure if he understood me that well but he was still being real and I personally found him interesting. I am writing this as I just relaxed he gave me a piece of paper that mentioned he taught music lessons and he has a very very very long name, oh I forgot to sanitize that in my bag, oh gosh!!!!!! Again another thing to add to my growing list of nightmares tonight.

Perhaps depression makes me feel this way, but for years I have known I am not part of the Adelaide world, not much time I have for much here and it is not where I want to put my hard work in to my future . I guess when one travels one gets a bigger appreciation for life, maybe that is why Kyne did what he did. Me, well I have not seen the world but seen enough to realise I too have the same mindset as he does (or did?!) and I too need to pack up and start again, well start a new chapter.

Depression can make people feel pretty crappy but I think the feeling of not accomplishing or being part of a world can really dampen the mood. I feel like I need to be studying or have to do something meaningful, not to be the girl with the OCD sitting inside her miserable house wondering where her life went. I sometimes think what would Kyne think of me now or guys I have met, obviously many would run a mile ,but seriously, what would they do?

These days I dread, like dread when mums car arrives in the garage and I have to step out the car to get inside the dining door that leads me into the house. I come home to the same things, the routine that rules my world and the fear of basically anything that will interrupt my mind. I shop and think sometimes why did it get this bad and how come I have to experience this nightmare. On the flip side, I love my dog and miss him when I am not near him.

Jimmy is quiet tonight, he barked a little earlier but think he wants his sleepy time now. Oh how I wish I could have another dog out there to keep him company when I cannot be near him as I know what it feels like to have nobody and feel terribly alone.

That is another post, I am sorry it may sound depressing, I am trying to keep going.

<3

Miss Popette x

My Mind…The Storm.

Our mind sometimes chatters away and we take on our negative thoughts as if that is our reality believing that is who we are,when in fact that is not true.Yes,the storm will come and the wind will blow,but our soul and dreams are ours to control.

So I decided I would write what comes to mind, actually I always do this but tonight in particular I had like a few things I wanted to write about but mostly it is my anxiety that rules my world, hence why I started the post with my thoughts above. This anxiety thing really really hurts. Sometimes I hate writing about it, as I can just feel the pain and the dread that follows. I honestly think I am going crazy and think there is nobody that can help me, somehow I am one in a billion literally that is untreatable. The thing is, this is a common feeling, why well I cannot answer this sorry.

It is Friday night and the roads sound particularly quiet which is strange, well I guess I do not have night outs so unsure what nights are the most common for people to head out. I actually like being this way, it is too cold and oh gosh okay I whinge but you know what I mean!

One year today I lost my little girl, my cat. My dear dog sat on the log and dragged his blanket in the sun very early this morning so I could see him from the window, he has been very close to me today and I got lots of cuddles, I think maybe he sensed something. Mum tells him to sit when he eats but I let him jump etc, but tonight he sat for me, well okay he sits but it is me being more so firm with him. It takes sometimes a lot for me to even go outside, yes this sounds terrible. I absolutely love my dog though and never want him to feel alone.

I want to eat right now! I am watching Julia Child’s The French Chef, my my how I love this woman! I have no interest in cooking anymore these days, not just energy is the issue but I really just eat and not think about it. However, in watching Julia, it gives me that little bit of inspiration. Okay, I am already planning my lunch tomorrow which is oh what about fifteen hours away!!

Guess what,it is now Sunday night-where did my weekend go?! Dad went to Melbourne for a few days amd should be arriving anytime soon, so me and mum were alone, it felt weird. My problems are coming back as dad will come home with germs on his clothes, phone, shoes, keys etc and then literally I have been lazy and done no cleaning of the inside or outside of the house!!! I am in bed and cannot get out till morning as I know if I do, I will panic and I already am!

This battle of my mind continues…

I will take my pill soon as I can hear my mum rattling around with the packaging in the kitchen, yes my mum brings me my pill as after my shower I go to bed so I do not see anything that will bother my mind. In saying this, all I have to do is sometimes sit or lay down and I bad thoughts with come to mind. I do not know what it feels like to know feel mentally ill anymore.

My dear baby boy is sleeping, I wish Jimmy could cuddle inside but his dog hairs etc make it all germy and that just adds to my mental strain. I would not be here I fell if it was not for him somedays, not that I am suicidual but it is just he literally is my world.

<3

Miss Popette x

16 år: 16 years

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

My dearest Lisa who I see as a sister wrote this and I did not hesitate to reblog as it is from the heart and I undetstand the gripping heart emotions inside. <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Ta hendene til din kjære – se på dem og hold dem hardt Disse hendene skal du følge, leie og lede. Du skal få føle på varmen fra dem og kjenne en inderlig glede. De skal stryke deg og de skal holde rundt deg – de er ikke skapt for å såre i vrede For du skal ikke alene mer vandre. De skal klemme og kose og aldri klandre De skal skjerme deg for det du ikke selv ser. De skal elske og aldri forakte – bare hjelpe når du ber. Disse hendene skal jobbe for at dere skal få det godt De skal gi – og du skal takke for det du har fått. De skal tvinnes sammen i kjærlighet og være ømme og gode og et tegn på inderlighet Hendene du holder er sterke og unge De skal gjennom mye for din skyld når dagene er tunge De skal stryke og klemme og være gode og fromme De skal ruske i ditt hår og takke når dagen er omme Disse hendene skal følge deg gjennom livet. De skal holde fast ved deg og verne om samlivet De skal være hos deg når alle andre har gått De skal aldri slippe men holde fast og tørke tårer når du har grått. Hendene skal bære din ring med rette Den skal skinne og for alle berette Jeg elsker deg! – kan den bekjenne Det er bare en som har maken til denne En dag er hendene blitt ru og grå Hver fure og rynke forteller om livet som bak dere lå Dere kan minnes den dagen i dag - da et livslangt bånd Ble knyttet Og fra denne dag dere gikk Hånd i hånd.:

Den 11 Juniblir jeg 28 år. I 16 år har jeg slitt med noe som jeg kun har delt med en. Mine beymringer og tanker.Den 11 Juniblir jeg ikke bare 28 år. Da har jeg også slitt med spiseforstyrrelser i 16 år! Det føles helt uvirkelig. Som en drøm, et mareritt. Jeg har aldri delt noe om dette til familie eller venner. Hvorfor? Det er et veldig følsomt tema. Hva sier man? Hva sier man ikke? Noe som er sikkert er at man kjenner veldig på ensomheten når man ikke kan fortelle, prate. Man føler man later som alt er bra og må gå med et smil limt på hver dag. spør noen: Hvordan har du det? Så smiler man og sier: Bare bra! Hva med deg? Man er så redd for og slippe noen inn. Hva vil de tro? Hva vil de mene? Jeg skulle ønske…

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For Those Who Have Suffered

kissmeunderthepinkblossomtree:

Needless I say anymore but THANK YOU! <3 Miss Popette x

Originally posted on Morning Story and Dilbert:

Morning Story and Dilbert Vintage Dilbert
April 2, 2007

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey . . .

I asked for health, that I might do greater things.

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things …

I asked for riches, that I might be happy.

I was given poverty, that I might be wise …

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God .. .
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things …

I got nothing I asked for–but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I, among all men, am most richly blessed!

Author Unknown - Please comment if you know…

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In Society’s Mirror

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How how do I be myself in a society which is busy?People judge…buses never run on time…leaves fall almost too often…dates get awkward…Maybe the answer is I just be who I want to be and accept the things I cannot change…Laugh at the wind and smile at the sky and pick pretty flowers.

So I am laying here in my bed and it is 7:22 pm and pitch dark, loving this time change and Autumn weather, well despite the shivering nights and bags of leaves I must get outside to clean in a few days..ah! I notice blood on my screen from my finger where I cut myself feeding my dear dog this afternoon, yes, I stayed home-it takes me ages to pull myself together to go out as I have chores but once ready I only take a short amount of time to literally get myself dressed and hair etc done. The thing is I am soooo (see the extra letter o?!!) of Adelaide City and even other suburbs just dull me, literally, this place is not for me.

Today I was going to Google courses when it hit me, what do I really want to do with my life. Now this is not good, I mean, I really am yet again able to make these sort of decisions for myself. Courses cost money, fine, but if I quit, that is money wasted. I am at the age where I really should know a path I want to be on. Pushing aside the stress I feel of society impacting on me, I just feel I am not living the life I should be and can tell people , certain individuals are judging me.

Oh gosh, I just remembered, I must buy my dear Jimmy a bigger blanket-his pink one is too small and with the freezing weather, that would not do him any good, I am hoping to find a queen size type of one but not too expensive and a nice colour. I think Thursday I will go out, tomorrow is a busy day and I cannot take on too many things like I used to. Jimmy is my world.

What is new? Well as featured in my other photographs, I no longer have the heavier pink curtains just the shear ones…Mmm, yes, I know, I need a life! Sometimes I think what am I doing amd why am I not living  the normal life I asusme people my age are, I mean, I do not date or go to the movies, out for coffees or shopping with female friends..I go out by myself, read, blog, eat which I should not….some things I am happy with but much has to change, I keep seeing a dance studio advertisement which I think is a sign.

Kyne, well I feel I am moving on. I no longer cling on to the hope I will see him again, no longer feel I have to fly all the way over to London to tell him how I feel. Yes I still Google his.Twitter but mmmm this does not sound good. I think it takes time, sometimes some people will always stay in your heart forever, maybe this is where he should sit and not in my mind. As I am getting older I am realising this relationship thing takes a lot, I just sometimes view it as two people like each other and yes this and that, but it is not easy and I know this, but gosh, after being single for ages, I hope he is out there. I do not know if I consider Kyne a relationship, if this is the case and he was over a year and a few months ago, then I have been single over five years, maybe six!

I must say, the cute image I used on this post I simply had to keep, I love pink and this is how I ususally feel, most mornings I literally hide until my covers and dread facing getting up. Part of this is depression sadly speaking and the other half is , well, I do not know anymore. I dread the fact I need to see a psychiatrist one day, get freaked out actually about it all, then my pills make me confused at times and my body is not healthy anymore, Miss Popette is not who she wants to be and only she can change that.

One thing I am learning to deal with (well trying to!!!) is acceptance-understanding that things change, yes change ahhhh. Nothing stays the same…you know, this is true and many of us know but cannot literally accept this. I think I find it hard now seeing old photographs of myself and old blog posts, yes, I actually refuse to look at them. I hate what I have done to myself.

All I know is this is my life and I have to keep going.

<3

Miss Popette x

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