I have let go of a guy I think I loved,this is the guy that left me for London. In between tears and confusion, the past year and a half has been a sad one. Yes I have met guys (well the wrong guys), applied for jobs that I really knew I did not want, dreamt of getting on an aeroplane and flying away…I have left my coffee so many times, it just goes cold, I have had biscuits that taste sour and my tears seem to cover most of my food. Then I have good days, well not good days, but you know, days where you can walk around and feel like you are alive-though these days are very few.
Not sure why I was crying just before, perhaps it was the crazy googling I did of Kyne to try and find here he is, no we never exchanged promises deep enough to make me know he loved me, nor did we exchange goodbyes at the airport, but I know in my heart, that he was a special one. Writing this now makes me sound crazy, but I know many people have done this and will do this, perhaps you are writing something similar to a lost love or soul that you want to talk to, dying to hold, aching for the happy memories.
Blogging has not been something I have been doing lately, I have been in my own world, mostly on the lounge chair afraid of tasking risks or even stepping outside the front door, buying flowers has been well not something I have done for myself and my house and garden, well for an OCD sufferer, it is atrocious-I literally have not cleaned in over three weeks!
Depression has seemed to cover me, whether it be during the day, or on the bus or when I wake up in the morning, I pull-the sheets over more and just shake at the thought of having to face the day. I know that if I had my old routine back, my former me, I probably would enjoy exercise, would paint my nails, polish the house and cuddle my dog without much interruptions, now, well, I take steps back and put myself down.
Recently I did fly over to Melbourne, yes I stayed in a beautiful old fashioned hotel known as ‘The Windsor Hotel’ and my gosh, I think I miss that place nearly as much as I miss Kyne! For the first time (literally) in years, I felt I was home-the old windows, curtains and carpets, the knowing that old celebrities such as Sir Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh had walked their souls through those rooms just made me feel alive. I ended up purchasing a memento, yes a simple black apron from the hotel reception as I just had to have something to take back with me! Maybe I am still there, I certainly know here in the family house I just do not feel at home here, strange right?!
On the plane to Melbourne who did I see but a lady, a very special soul whom re inspired me to become a florist and follow my won dream-yes, I know! Then we ended up sitting next to each other to get to the bus terminals where we said goodbye and went our own ways. Now this is to me a sign, call me crazy or whatever, things happen for a reason-grow older and learn this!
Music is something I try to make myself listen to. Yes I have my favourites, actually watching Justin Bieber dance to the song ‘Where Are U Know’ really amazes me-I love his style of dance, and because I want to take up hip hop, I get inspired as I have found a male dancer that is on YouTube that has an amazing style of his own, but very far away. My body image stops me from taking up dance.
Pills. Just the word makes me fret. This morning I was in bed thinking what my life would be like if I accidentally forgot, mmm, well my withdrawal symptoms are quite nasty and feral! Yesterday I saw my doctor, well a doctor I saw and stopped seeing but back seeing again (you know!!), Doctor has now told me to take two 20mg pills daily at morning and noon, unlike my last that was 75mg and was told was a too low dosage! Yes, I have one person saying this and another saying that, so now on Fluvoxamine instead of Effexor and on a tremendously low dosage.
Oh I LOVE French music on in the background at 10:51 am on a Monday morning! I know that my tears have dried but will start again when I have a down moment, but I need to try and keep my mind active. The thing is, just because someone can put make up on, lock their front door, does not mean all is in their world you know, maybe they are just trying to keep their soul alive, just.
It is now oh gosh ummm seven months till my thirtieth! The fears are beginning…the nerves are kicking in…I do not want to celebrate it with family, no, my dream is to be overseas doing my own thing, I know it is selfish in a way, but I am old enough and wise (perhaps?) to do something by myself. I think Kyne made me realise this.
The rental search is continuing…Like I mentioned above, I went to Melbourne and I inspected three properties, one was amazing but I was not accepted for that particular rental which knocked me about but I think it was for a reason. It is not an easy thing, can be exciting, but to me it is depressing and scary, I just want to clink my fingers and go back to Collins Street!
I am unsure what the days will bring ahead…I know that I cannot plan too far but I must keep dreaming…
<3 Miss Popette x