I tremble…sometimes frown on the bus…break down in the shower.I have dreams of being the ballerina and free spirit in a field of flowers,not carrying out rituals for my OCD and pushing the world of daydreams aside.
It seems every post is about the OCD hell I am living, I am sorry, I guess this is really the only thing in my life, I have no special man in my life, dating well no, have not created any new floral arrangements or found an inspiring place to mention…I am just under the care of a doctor that gives me pills, a psycholgist that pits my life infront of me on a white board and parents that worry about me. I guess all this takes it toll sometimes, to say I try and be brave makes me sound like a drama queen as this is like a mind nightmare and there are people sadly passing of illnesses as we speak, but OCD is an illness and it comes from anxiety, oh gosh, just the word makes me tense. I feel a lot of guilt when I know I come across as though I am trying to feel sorry for myself.
Oh wait, something did happen….A guy and his friend got on the bus, okay he walked past few and looked at me to say “You’re looking beautiful today…standing ovation”…now, if he was not high and drunk I would have felt a tad better, but then later he tried to get my number amd I declined,the funny thing was my mother was sitting two rows behind me, why, well the seats were dirty and I sat infront ,so mum heard everything the guys were saying, it was like a comedy show…these guys had no idea we were family. Then wait for it…another guy I have been teating is like the kind of dating sites and is on as many as he can be, me, just one and it is not even worth it!
So what do I do, I play music on YouTube and try and block out that thought that will rule my whole night and morning, though it will still be there, it will ruin the words and make me even more distant from the actual song. There was a time when my mind was much more stronger, but since last year, I see it has deteriorated, but I am trying with all this help I am fortunate to receive. I guess the biggest step will be hospital in a few months, oh.
The session yesterday with Tom went okay, I bought mum in for support, you see, right now, I need a support I can bring in,it just is sometimes too much for me so I need another mind with me to take it all in. There is a lot I need to work on, Tom has made it clear that first we were addressing anxiety and OCD but now it seems depression has been added to the mix, yuk right!
Yep, so I am going trought the classic depression symptoms: comfort eating, social withdrawal, tiredness and a general lack of care about things, oh and even flowers do not make me smile as much anymore. I guess it is okay to take time out from a routine but not for too long, hence , my garden is actually atrocious and needs attention! Tomorrow is a new day, I think I will have to devote time to the garden and my dear Jimmy, this dog is truly my life. To add to this, sadly my dad is selling his birds, one is half blind and yes, I really hate this idea, I will be outside tomorrow hearing them happy then the day after goodbye my dears, no no no…NO!!!! I have no choice, they are already sold, I feel dead inside.
The above has reinstated my fear of loosing those I hold dear, yes they may just be birds to some but to me they represent life, nature, all the things I need…I really feel guilt, like they will be in a new home thinking of us and why they are…In my heart, animals are so special and I am a nurturer.
Thank you with all of my heart for listening to me, it means so much, more than you could ever ever ever literally imagine.
Miss Popette x